Lately I've been reading some blogs that have touched me deeply, ladies with compelling and courageous voices. Unapologetically sharing their stories and the beautiful healing and restoration they've experienced. And beyond that, provoking us to more of Him. I so love that.
This blog is an eclectic mix of my life experiences, thoughts, etc. Tonight I'm thinking of a friend I met via Blogland who is going through. In the midst of it. Such an honest and brave person with a beautifully pure heart. Though we've been facing some challenges that I've referenced in recent blogs, I do usually keep my postings on the lighter side. In person, I'm not one to share deeper things quickly, so it makes sense that I don't delve into too personal on here either. But I'm always willing to open up if I sense the Lord leading me to, and I do.
Have you ever been disowned?
I was. And it's not clear, but I may be again. The first time, it wasn't for rebellious behavior or going off the deep end. It wasn't for going off to Bible School or even moving to Africa (both inciting "What? You?!?" reactions but no disowning.) I'm bi-racial and managed to marry outside of my race, but it wasn't for that either. We got our parents' blessings to marry. Nope. I was disowned in the middle of being in labor with my first child.
Huh? That was my reaction too initially. It's complicated. But the one who gave birth to me was offended to not receive a call from me personally to let her know I was in labor. Though it happened in the middle of the night. And it was a natural childbirth. For fifteen hours I was focused on that one thing only. I came home to an ugly message on the answering machine that concluded with, "Have a nice life."
I'm not sorry for the expectations and demands I didn't meet. I feel sorry for the hurt heart of a person reacting so severely, who missed out on the loveliness of a first and only granddaughter.
The grace of God shielded me from the devastating impact once the shock and disbelief wore off. Praying friends rallied around. And every night, throughout the night, when I checked on my precious one sleeping, I heard the voice of the Lord whispering that He too checked on me carefully, lovingly like I did my little one. As I laid my hand on her tiny head and marveled at her, He told me that He did the same. I took it in little by little, my own hurt heart making it hard to swallow except in tiny bits. The Lord mothered me during my first year as a mother. It was one of the sweetest years of my life. In the face of the rejection. And dealing with having to shave my head bald (a story for another time.)
The wounds took a long time to heal - there were other scabs and scars and hastily thrown on bandages in the mix. I learned of God's faithfulness and loving persistence. I experienced His personal care in both cleaning out and clearing up of hurts, old and new. It's an ongoing process, because these types of relationships are difficult.
There have been periods of reconciliation, but a person who is easily offended will easily find offenses. My last visit home ended with the same disowning words being carelessly flung after an angry tirade towards another. When I declined the invitation to participate, it extended towards me as well.
I may never measure up and therefore face the continued rejection of an earthly parent. But that ruler is not what guides my life. By God's ruler and His more accurate measurement, Jesus is the standard.
In Him...we become the righteousness of God, For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight, And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit, In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence, be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.