His Delight

You will also be a crown of beauty in the hand of the LORD,

         And a royal diadem in the hand of your God. 

      It will no longer be said to you, "Forsaken,"

         Nor to your land will it any longer be said, "Desolate";

         But you will be called, "My delight is in her,"

         And your land, "Married";

         

For the LORD delights in you,

         And to Him your land will be married... 

       And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,

         So your God will rejoice over you. 

Isaiah 62:3-5b

Love Comforts

I've been quiet a lot lately because I haven't felt able to put into too many words everything that's been happening.  God's grace is very near, throughout this period of disbelief, fear, confusion and turmoil.  I have confidence that my prayers are before Him, and so I've turned to lifting up others who are also facing trauma.  Too many.  How does anyone make it through without Jesus?

Last night I was finally able to attend a monthly meeting for our homeschool co-op group. Mostly ladies I've met only a few times, except for the leader who I connected with right after moving to Colorado.  Instead of discussing what was on the agenda, the Holy Spirit ushered in a time of transparently sharing challenges and needs.  Then we prayed for one another, encouraged and comforted...it was a precious time.

I drove home less broken, more free to open my heart before the Lord.  I have a tendency to withdraw, to turn deeply inward during difficult times, even towards the Lord.  To turn more of my burden over to His capable, caring arms was a huge relief.

Things aren't "fixed", but God is here in the midst of it all with me.  And He walks with me (and us) moment by moment.    

Clinging

During my junior and senior years of high school, my guidance counselor periodically summoned me into her office to ask me if everything was okay.  Always an honor roll student, my grades had dropped.  I remember looking into her kind, inquisitive eyes and shaking my head.  I couldn't say anything.  It wasn't safe.

Years and years of burying things within and not saying, because it wasn't safe, have come to an end.  This is my journey and my story.  I realize that remaining silent, always editing and being careful to consider the effect on others while ignoring my own cries is...not okay.

More recently, I sought the help of a church counselor to process my grief and turmoil after my mother's passing.  After getting some history and hearing my reasons for being there, he asked me if I felt like I was being heard in my life.  No, I didn't feel like I was being heard.  This person took down notes.  Unfortunately, at our next session as we continued our discussion,  the counselor started to nod off.  Ironic...in a horrible way.  But, I realized in the car that it wasn't as important if this person heard me as long as I was paying attention and tending to what my heart was saying.

This is an incredibly difficult time.

I am clinging to God.

He continues to touch me as He shows His love in unexpected ways.

Safe? Only in Him.

All I can do right now is cling to my Savior and My Lord.  In Him, I take refuge, find comfort and hope.

How did you know that I'm all alone today

I feel so scared and I want to go away
I bleed so deep underneath
My soul is screaming


Drowning the tears won't make it go away
It's robbing my soul
So I've taken this mask off my face to discover love
And uncover all it means to live and breathe


I'm not gonna hide
I'm not gonna run away
I'll uncover the scars and show you every mistake
Your love is mending my blisters and the bruising shame
Here with you I am safe

When You uncovered, I discovered I am not afraid
But when we're hiding, we end up fighting to be sane


 I'm not gonna hide
I'm not gonna run away
I'll uncover the scars and show you every mistake
Your love is mending my blisters and my bruising shame
Here with you
I am safe
I am safe
I am safe
I am safe

 - Safe by Natalie Grant