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11.15.2010

Sad...

I love this time of year.  The nip in the air, the yummy aromas of autumn, the planning and shopping for treasures, the sparklies and fun activities, all of it.  It's always been magical to me, filled with hope.  No matter what was going on in my life, my heart always got filled up with the beauty of Christmas.  It was a respite from any bad situation.

But this year, there's a birdnest or something lodged in my throat.  Making it really hard to swallow, bringing tears to my eyes because of the discomfort.  I wander around Target, blissfully in awe one moment and wanting to bury my head into a fluffy throw in order to muffle my screams.

From January until now, it's been a difficult year.  Tragic in so many ways that my heart feels permanently broken.  That's on top of the messies already present in my life.

Honestly, it's Jesus and my children that convince me to get out of bed.
I'm a pretty-good-at-faking-it mess.  Maybe not-so-good-at-faking-it anymore.

It's in my nature to want to downplay the negative and serve up lots of positive pep.  But I strive to be honest, transparent and open with my blog.  And though this isn't going to turn into a lamenting sort of place, I know that I'm not the only one who faces difficulties.  And as tired as I am with putting on a front, I'm even more tired with the pressure of keeping up appearances mainly for their comfort.  They dictate too much of what's going on in my life.  They aren't very nice or caring in the first place and certainly don't help, so why am I so concerned with them?  Quite frankly, I am frustrated and angry at constantly being judged by them.   

Who are they?  Well, several faces do come to mind specifically.  But mainly they are the people on the outskirts of my life who haven't invested in me but somehow manage to entangle themselves into my business.  I'm going to be talking about them and the ways I must be free of their influence in order to not get tripped up by bitterness and also to be free to be all that God says I am.

I'm mad at them, but more than that, sad for me.  Too much has happened this year.  Though I've appeared to "sail through" the challenges, truth is, I've been faking it some.  And the burden has become a little too heavy for me right now.  Gotta let a little air out of the balloon so that it doesn't explode.  OK, I'm going to hit publish post for my authentic sake before I edit myself.  Again.   

3 comments:

Bree said...

Oh Miki, may your heart be comforted in His loving embrace. He is your rock and your refuge and your honesty and transparency blesses. Letting your guard down will allow others in and the opportunity to care and serve your and pray for you, we are the body of Christ and your are loved. Bless you sweet friend, praying He will use all of this to His glory and you may see it. Rest in Him, knowing He is in control.
with love~

BARBIE said...

Oh Miki, I am praying for you girl. God promises to be near the brokenhearted. Praying you feel His presence and His loving arms around you. I appreciate your transparency in your struggle. Rest and know how loved you are.

Marla @ Always Nesting said...

Oh honey, honey, honey! Bless your heart, you have been through so much this year. It's good, therapeutic, to put your emotions and thoughts "on paper." Big, big hugs, Marla