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A picture of my precious baby and me
 Have you heard the song "HELD" by Natalie Grant?

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking  
why this happens to us
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
It's a haunting song, addressing the difficult parts of life...and reminding us that through it all God is here. And He holds us, as our hearts are breaking, when tragedies strike and we don't understand why. 

I need that reminder.  

Sometimes the nightmare, because it's familiar, feels safer than the unknown.  Sometimes the voices screaming the lies are easier to believe because they're so much louder than the faltering voice of truth and hope hiding in your heart.

But truth and hope are powerful forces that can overcome the worst that life can dish out.

On Monday I removed myself from hell.  Hell is a place where lies perpetuate and venomous words flow freely.  As a child, I survived by telling myself over and over again that one day, I'd be old enough and strong enough to walk away.  As an adult, I've tried numerous times to reach out and try to build some kind of decent relationship with her.  But like a magnetic pull too strong to resist, each time the choice to record something new or rehearse the unforgiving tapes arises, she chooses to rehash the list of sins real or imagined.  Never letting them go. 

Just like walking out of the house and away from the echoes of vile words into the bright sunshine, my life is out from under the shadow of that hell.

Healing and rebuilding a life based on truth and hope has taken more than twenty years.  My whole adult life.  Set backs from the absurd and indecent behavior at the most sacred moments of my life, but progress and continued healing nevertheless.

Saturday was my sister's graduation, which I attended with my nephew.  We went to the beach and had dinner with her closest friends.  A lovely celebration.  Sunday was Mother's Day, a nightmare. And Monday was the day after, nightmare continuing.  After seeking refuge at my sister's, we spent the rest of my visit chatting, encouraging one another, and trying to outdo each other on the Wii.  That night, I soaked in her tub, surrounded by candles.  Even with a very early flight, I slept deeply that night, no bad dreams causing me to toss and turn.

Only God knows why someone would think and speak the worst about me.  It has nothing to do with me, really.  It's her own troubled heart revealing itself.  Mercy, Lord.

Truth and hope reside in the fact that this is what God, the Creator of the Universe, My Eternal Lord and Savior, My Ultimate Parent, Who lovingly put my being together says...

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness (Psalm 86:15)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11)

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17)

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:35-39)

I pray, Father, that out of your glorious riches you may strengthen me with power through your Spirit in my inner being, so that Christ may dwell in my heart through faith. And I pray that I, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that I may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within me, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. [Adapted from Ephesians 3:16-21]


Anonymous said...

Oh honey, I'm so, so sorry you've been hurt again. I understand. Find peace within your heart. God is with you every step of the way.

Barbie said...

I am sorry you are hurting. Praying that you find love and rest in His arms.

paledamiana said...

My beautiful sister, these words are so words spoken from the heart often are. I am thankful to have you by my side as we heal...and know that I am here as your solace, your defender, and as your compatriot through this life.
The healing you have provided me is without depth and I hope to be the same to you. Thank you for the path you have traveled for as hard as it has been, it has produced a most amazing sister, mother, woman. Just like the trust in a baby's eyes as they look upon you, feel the trust of your heart's truth as that is what has always guided you and continues to guide you. That is all the truth we need and thank you for reminding me of that.
Much Love...