Please note: All images on this blog (except where noted) are original works of Miki Baxter and cannot be duplicated without permission. Also, if you're inspired by a project featured on here, then please link back to me and give proper credit. Thank you!!!

4.25.2009

A Stubborn Peace and that Still, Small Voice

Ugh. What a way to start a blog entry. But the amount of emotional helium in my internal balloon has exceeded capacity in recent days, and I must go slowly lest it takes off out of control, then flops to the ground after a few crazy spins around the room. What a state that would be, eh?
Sorrow has been a constant companion of late, for various reasons. Seeing the physical effects as a friend battles cancer. My parents' struggles with their health and the unknown causes. Waiting for the next step and where we will settle down. Sean's trips out of town as he pursues freelance opportunities. Long sigh, deep breath...
As I contemplate the many things churning within me and begin to process them, I find there's peace too. A tenacious strand of peace. God is Who He says He is. He's been answering prayers left and right, responding to my heart's cry and petitions. It hasn't been in dramatic ways, but the responses are there nevertheless. He's brought friends for my children, a comfortable place for us to nest in while we wait for the next step, financial provision and creative opportunities for Sean, grace for the healing process and great medical care for my friend and my parents. And responses to many other whispered requests...
One of my favorite Scriptures is I Kings 19:9-12 "There he came to a cave and lodged in it; and behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and He said to him, What are you doing here, Elijah? He replied, I have been very jealous for the Lord God of hosts; for the Israelites have forsaken Your covenant, thrown down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I, I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. And He said, Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord. And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire [a sound of gentle stillness and] a still, small voice."
After the dramatic showdown with the prophets of Baal, Elijah receives word that Jezebel is out to get him. Out of fear, he runs for his life and asks God to take his life. An angel ministers to him, providing him with food and drink, and then he has this encounter with God - gentle stillness and a still, small voice.
Though I am going to conclude this blog here, I will write some more about my own encounters with that still, small voice. Sweet Lord, how patient and kind You are to Your little children! Thank You for Your peace and Your gentle voice responding to our frail cries.

4.10.2009

Significant Person #1: A Kindred Spirit

Along with significant moments, I feel compelled to write about some amazing people that have deeply touched my life.
Kimberly was like an older sister to me, a kindred spirit along the lines of Anne of Green Gables. We both loved Debby Boone and gave each other nicknames based on her haunting song, "Micol's Theme." Who else knows that song from the 1970s? Though Kimberly taught at a university and was very talented, she gracefully made the transition to motherhood and being at home to support her husband and baby. I saw firsthand a woman living by her values and putting relationships above personal gain.
When I was preparing to go to Africa, Kimberly invited me to go see "Mulan," a story about an Asian girl bravely fighting for her country's freedom. This line from the film forever pierced my heart: "The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all." Kimberly knew about the struggles I'd had in my life, and the steep climb towards wholeness and freedom. That line also confirmed something God had spoken to me while I was at Bible school. Driving home one afternoon, I was passing some barren fields with only dry brush. Suddenly I saw a rose bush, and in my heart God spoke that "a rose in the midst of other flowers was ordinary, but a rose growing in the midst of this emptiness was spectacular." Then He said, "You are that rose." When I got home, I felt compelled to open my Bible, and I read Isaiah 35:1: "The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad; the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the rose and the autumn crocus." I did a further study and found that the type of rose or crocus mentioned specialized in growing in difficult places. God confirms His Word and His purposes for our lives, in gentle ways that we can understand.
Back in March, I wrote about having difficulty looking into a mirror in "Significant Moment #2: God's love reflected is beautiful." The theme song of Mulan is called "Reflection," which was the cry of my heart back then. It's been a process to reconcile the outer image displayed to the private me inside. On this current journey towards restoring health to my skin and balance in my life, I have come to an uncomfortable place of feeling vulnerable and exposed. As growth takes place, old things are forced to be shed, whether they are habits, thought patterns, or even coverings that hide the real you. It's like going from winter to summer and trying on a bathing suit that you are eventually going to have to appear in public wearing. The initial shock and dismay can be enough to make you run and avoid going to the beach all together. But then you'd miss the sunshine and the waves and the warm sand in between your toes.
God brings wonderfully special people into our lives as an extension of His hand and to draw us closer to Him. The love of a sister like Kimberly, who looked deeply into my heart and affirmed me, helped me share that kind of love to others who were broken but so full of potential. She also played a significant part in confirming God's purpose for my life. Her example as a passionate woman of God, faithful wife and devoted mother still inspires me today. Thank you, Kimberly, for embracing me and being the older sister I'd always wanted.
By the way, "Reflection" is song #9 on my playlist at the bottom of this page.
Look at me, You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day it's as if I play a part
Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
I am now in a world where
I have to hide my heart and what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world
what's inside my heart and be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we conceal what we think, what we feel?
Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

4.06.2009

Love is You

I wept with gratitude for Sean's steadfast love and how it has made me a better person. The realization that I was capable of giving this love, to others for sure, but to myself filled me with joy. So much healing after so many years of pain and struggle. But above all, I had to thank the One who is the very source of love. Without Jesus, my life would be bare, a scraggly tree in a harsh landscape...stripped. In the years since I entrusted my heart and life into His care, Spring
has come, replenishing the barren landscape with wondrous color and unexpected beauty.
No inhibitions.
Freedom to breathe.
A perfect definition. Love is You, God.
Love Is You
What's your definition of it?
How's it make you feel?
Tell me what you say that truly makes it real Kings and Queens, Philosophers have tried so hard to find
Tell me what it means to you dear, never mind Love is kind when the world is cold Love stays strong when the fight gets old Love's a shoulder to lean on Love is you Love's like the water when the well runs dry Quench my thirst, keep me alive Just need once sip baby Love is you (repeat) Is it possible, there is a kiss that's so divine Or am I just a fool, is it all in my mind? Is there something chemical A scientist might say Well love must be a drug To make me feel this way Cause love's my permission to be who I am No inhibitions cause you understand Freedom to breathe oh baby Love is you Love's like a kiss when the sun goes down Holds me tight when no one's around Love's what I want to hold on to Love is you (repeat) Love is kind, it makes me stronger I don't have to look no longer You're the one I cling to Love is you When the chips are down Love will stick around I'm so glad I found Love is you
Much as I've tried to clarify
Love is quite simple, he's just my guy
A perfect definition
Love is you

4.03.2009

The Baxter Beat

I have decided to keep this blog focused mainly on my various experiences, musings, etc. Our family will have its own blog with updates on our various adventures. Visit us at www.baxterbeat.blogspot.com. Eventually I hope to have one dedicated to photography but one blog at a time!

4.02.2009

This is Love

These are the moments that make life sweet...
And if you really behave and do a good job, you get a "Good Mommy" reward! My little girl is so loving - she writes little notes and makes surprises for us all the time.

3.28.2009

My Special Ladies

Is there a certain country or a group of people that you find yourself drawn to for some reason? With two friends about to visit the land of my heart, I find myself thinking a lot about Ethiopia. And a very special woman I met. She was standing in the doorway of her tiny residence like many other women that afternoon, waiting for a visitor. As I walked down the paths in front of these doorways - rows and rows of doorways - I looked at numerous faces, waiting for some indication that this was the person I was searching for. Mostly I got blank faces in return, a few smirks and occasionally a point and a laugh. As I came to the last row, I asked my guide to walk through the area with me once more. I knew there was aperson I was supposed to meet. As we made our final trek through the rows of doorways, one woman waved and smiled at me - an open, welcoming smile. I hesitated and then stopped in front of her. I asked through my interpreter if we could sit down and talk, and she warmly invited me into her place, pulling the curtain closed over the doorway. My eyes took in the elements of her one room "home" - a small cabinet for personal items, a bucket for washing tucked under it, a small stool, and a bed that took over most of the space. I sat down on the stool with my interpreter on the floor beside me as she took a seat on the bed. I introduced myself and told her that I was interested in finding out about her life, asking for permission to interview her.
She was from a small village but had been sent to the city to work as a maid. Though the job provided much needed money for her family in the village, the master of the home began to mistreat her. Unable to endure it, she ran away from the house and found the only job available for a young woman with nothing: renting a room to live and work in close to the bustling marketplace. She faithfully sent money back to her parents but could not bring herself to tell them about her new situation. She hated it but knew there wasn't another option. She told me her story without any bitterness for the way things had turned out and treated me like an honored guest in her little abode, concerned for my comfort. Her bright eyes revealed an open heart and a joyful spirit despite her circumstances. Once, when a man came stumbling through her doorway for an "appointment," she jumped up quickly to intercept him and insisted firmly that he return later. The raw reality of her life hit me then so forcefully - to daily wake up in this place and have to go through what she did...
It was time for us to go, and we made plans for another visit. I had to go to my Father to talk about this and find out what He would do for her. I knew that I had connected with the right person and that God had a plan.
A few days later, we met again. She was waiting for me with a friend. After my first visit, many of her neighbors had warned her against me, saying that I was going to deceive her into an even worse fate. To prove them wrong, she invited this friend along to meet me and see for herself that I was sincere. I invited both ladies to lunch, and we walked to a traditional restaurant close by. I was angered by the catcalls and rude comments as we passed by, seriously wanting to thrash the brutes who acted in such a vulgar way.
After lunch, we walked to the church compound where I worked, and I introduced the ladies to the associate pastors when we ran into them. Thankfully, they were received in a respectful, kind manner - I was feeling very protective after what we had already experienced. Plus, I knew that the church generally avoided any contact with ladies who were involved in this kind of work. We ended our visit by having tea together, and I was able to share with my new friend another option for her life. God had opened some doors in that short period of time, and there was a real way out for her if she was ready to take that step. A Christian owner of a beauty salon was willing to take her on as a student and help set her up afterwards with a job fixing hair. The money for the tuition had also been provided, and she was able to start in a short period of time. I shared about God opening this door for her as an answer to prayer and how His love was what compelled us to meet.
There are no words to describe the joy in seeing someone set free, whether it's an emotional or physical prison. Even after I returned to the States, I received word that she was doing really well. God sent us to the one lady with an open, responsive heart and totally transformed her life. He alone is able to do such wonders - nothing is impossible for God, and no one is beyond His care and attention. God cares deeply for each one of us. His love is passionate, fierce, and protective and also tender, gentle and so very kind. That we would love one another, especially the least of these, with the same love as our Father.
I have always had a special place in my heart for ladies of the night. I don't know when it started, but it's been there for as long as I can remember. When Sean and I flew to Amsterdam several years ago, I was seething and ready to pounce on some businessmen on the plane who were flippantly discussing the Red Light District. Even when we walked around Amsterdam, I couldn't setfoot on the path that went through that area - I couldn't bear the thought of appearing like a gawking tourist to the ladies in there. I wanted them to see love and compassion from me but walking by just like the others wouldn't set us apart. So we avoided the area and prayed instead.
My heart was moved deeply when I visited the home and learned about the life of a prostitute in Alaska. She was born in the Midwest to parents who adored her, especially her father. But he died suddenly, and her mother remarried in order to provide for the family. She ran away from home at the age of twelve after suffering severe abuse at the hands of her stepfather. She made her way to Alaska during the Gold Rush, saving enough money to buy a little home to live and work in. She was a working girl way into middle age, passing away in a senior's center in the late 1970's. My heart ached walking through her house - she tried so hard to make her home cozy and pretty, though she had to go through such difficulties to afford everything. She tied ribbons to her shower
curtains and had a floral tea set in her dining room. Her closet was filled with beautiful dresses and feminine accessories. She wanted a normal life with all the comforts of home, something she lost in childhood, and she tried hard to create that for herself.
It's so easy to remove ourselves from someone whose life is so foreign to us. Thank God that our circumstances haven't forced us to turn to such desperate measures, but we are not so different. Basic human longings and needs are the same all over the world. And the ladies we don't think about, avert our eyes from, dismiss and judge are somebody's daughter, sister, mother, friend... They matter to God, and He wants them to know His tender love for them. He alone can heal the deepest parts of a heart and soul and transform a life into something good and pure and wonderful. And He needs us as His hands to reach out with compassion and kindness to others, especially those who are treated so roughly. It's not my intention to sternly preach at you or demand a response. It's just that my heart grieves for those forced into hell on earth as their dignity is stripped from them, young and old, hurt, terrified, and feeling so very, very alone. This is the group God has given me a special love for - is there a group of people that touches your heart?

3.24.2009

Happy Birthday To Me...

Yesterday was my birthday; I am thirty-eight years old. Writing it down, it doesn't seem like I am referring to myself. Thirty-eight sounds so serious, so established and set. And I don't see myself in those terms. I don't imagine myself in my twenties either, and I am very glad to have moved beyond that. But thirty-eight? I'm not sure yet what I think about that number. Yes, it is close to forty, but my perspective on turning forty has never been conventional.
I have waited all my life to turn forty. I eagerly anticipate the big 4-0. I have long believed that a woman truly becomes beautiful at forty: there's wisdom in her eyes, a touch of hollowness in her cheeks and at the base of her throat, gentle lines on her face from experiences and living. A forty year old woman knows what she is about, no more trying to figure out what she is supposed to be. A forty year old woman knows her mind, is settled into the unique person she is, and makes no apologies for it. I could go on and on about what I think forty signifies for a woman... I won't wear a diamond until I turn forty (my engagement ring is a tanzanite, which is a rare purplish-blue stone); I feel the need to be more established before I wear such a weighty jewel.
In light of my thoughts on forty, I suppose that thirty-eight and thirty-nine signify the last stages of the metamorphosis period. Even the recent changes in my life reveal this to be true: adapting to a natural program to "shed my old skin." I thank You, Lord, for continually guiding my steps in this journey, for showing me how to let go of the past, giving me deeper understanding, and bringing me this far and beyond. Above all, be glorified in this butterfly!