A Stubborn Peace and that Still, Small Voice

Ugh. What a way to start a blog entry. But the amount of emotional helium in my internal balloon has exceeded capacity in recent days, and I must go slowly lest it takes off out of control, then flops to the ground after a few crazy spins around the room. What a state that would be, eh?

Sorrow has been a constant companion of late, for various reasons. Seeing the physical effects as a friend battles cancer. My parents' struggles with their health and the unknown causes. Waiting for the next step and where we will settle down. Sean's trips out of town as he pursues freelance opportunities. Long sigh, deep breath...

As I contemplate the many things churning within me and begin to process them, I find there's peace too. A tenacious strand of peace. God is Who He says He is. He's been answering prayers left and right, responding to my heart's cry and petitions. It hasn't been in dramatic ways, but the responses are there nevertheless. He's brought friends for my children, a comfortable place for us to nest in while we wait for the next step, financial provision and creative opportunities for Sean, grace for the healing process and great medical care for my friend and my parents. And responses to many other whispered requests...

One of my favorite Scriptures is I Kings 19:9-12 "There he came to a cave and lodged in it; and behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and He said to him, What are you doing here, Elijah? He replied, I have been very jealous for the Lord God of hosts; for the Israelites have forsaken Your covenant, thrown down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I, I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. And He said, Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord. And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire [a sound of gentle stillness and] a still, small voice."

After the dramatic showdown with the prophets of Baal, Elijah receives word that Jezebel is out to get him. Out of fear, he runs for his life and asks God to take his life. An angel ministers to him, providing him with food and drink, and then he has this encounter with God - gentle stillness and a still, small voice.

Though I am going to conclude this blog here, I will write some more about my own encounters with that still, small voice. Sweet Lord, how patient and kind You are to Your little children! Thank You for Your peace and Your gentle voice responding to our frail cries.

Significant Person #1: A Kindred Spirit

Along with significant moments, I feel compelled to write about some amazing people that have deeply touched my life.

Kimberly was like an older sister to me, a kindred spirit along the lines of Anne of Green Gables. We both loved Debby Boone and gave each other nicknames based on her haunting song, "Micol's Theme." Who else knows that song from the 1970s? Though Kimberly taught at a university and was very talented, she gracefully made the transition to motherhood and being at home to support her husband and baby. I saw firsthand a woman living by her values and putting relationships above personal gain.

When I was preparing to go to Africa, Kimberly invited me to go see "Mulan," a story about an Asian girl bravely fighting for her country's freedom. This line from the film forever pierced my heart: "The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all." Kimberly knew about the struggles I'd had in my life, and the steep climb towards wholeness and freedom. That line also confirmed something God had spoken to me while I was at Bible school. Driving home one afternoon, I was passing some barren fields with only dry brush. Suddenly I saw a rose bush, and in my heart God spoke that "a rose in the midst of other flowers was ordinary, but a rose growing in the midst of this emptiness was spectacular." Then He said, "You are that rose." When I got home, I felt compelled to open my Bible, and I read Isaiah 35:1: "The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad; the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the rose and the autumn crocus." I did a further study and found that the type of rose or crocus mentioned specialized in growing in difficult places. God confirms His Word and His purposes for our lives, in gentle ways that we can understand.

Back in March, I wrote about having difficulty looking into a mirror in "Significant Moment #2: God's love reflected is beautiful." The theme song of Mulan is called "Reflection," which was the cry of my heart back then. It's been a process to reconcile the outer image displayed to the private me inside. On this current journey towards restoring health to my skin and balance in my life, I have come to an uncomfortable place of feeling vulnerable and exposed. As growth takes place, old things are forced to be shed, whether they are habits, thought patterns, or even coverings that hide the real you. It's like going from winter to summer and trying on a bathing suit that you are eventually going to have to appear in public wearing. The initial shock and dismay can be enough to make you run and avoid going to the beach all together. But then you'd miss the sunshine and the waves and the warm sand in between your toes.

God brings wonderfully special people into our lives as an extension of His hand and to draw us closer to Him. The love of a sister like Kimberly, who looked deeply into my heart and affirmed me, helped me share that kind of love to others who were broken but so full of potential. She also played a significant part in confirming God's purpose for my life. Her example as a passionate woman of God, faithful wife and devoted mother still inspires me today. Thank you, Kimberly, for embracing me and being the older sister I'd always wanted.

By the way, "Reflection" is song #9 on my playlist at the bottom of this page.

Look at me, You may think you see who I really am

But you'll never know me

Every day it's as if I play a part

Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

I am now in a world where

I have to hide my heart and what I believe in

But somehow I will show the world

what's inside my heart and be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly

That burns with a need to know the reason why

Why must we conceal what we think, what we feel?

Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

Love is You

Turn up the volume on your computer speakers and listen to the first song playing on this blog, "Love is You." I first heard it driving through Washington DC in a fierce rainstorm that threatened to blow me right off the road. Knuckles white as I strangled the steering wheel, the loveliest melody and lyrics on the radio caught my attention. In the back seat, the baby slept while the older two watched a DVD, totally oblivious to my tears.

I wept with gratitude for Sean's steadfast love and how it has made me a better person. The realization that I was capable of giving this love, to others for sure, but to myself filled me with joy. So much healing after so many years of pain and struggle. But above all, I had to thank the One who is the very source of love. Without Jesus, my life would be bare, a scraggly tree in a harsh landscape...stripped. In the years since I entrusted my heart and life into His care, Spring

has come, replenishing the barren landscape with wondrous color and unexpected beauty.

No inhibitions.

Freedom to breathe.

A perfect definition. Love is You, God.

Love Is You

What's your definition of it?

How's it make you feel?

Tell me what you say that truly makes it real Kings and Queens, Philosophers have tried so hard to find

Tell me what it means to you dear, never mind Love is kind when the world is cold Love stays strong when the fight gets old Love's a shoulder to lean on Love is you Love's like the water when the well runs dry Quench my thirst, keep me alive Just need once sip baby Love is you (repeat) Is it possible, there is a kiss that's so divine Or am I just a fool, is it all in my mind? Is there something chemical A scientist might say Well love must be a drug To make me feel this way Cause love's my permission to be who I am No inhibitions cause you understand Freedom to breathe oh baby Love is you Love's like a kiss when the sun goes down Holds me tight when no one's around Love's what I want to hold on to Love is you (repeat) Love is kind, it makes me stronger I don't have to look no longer You're the one I cling to Love is you When the chips are down Love will stick around I'm so glad I found Love is you

Much as I've tried to clarify

Love is quite simple, he's just my guy

A perfect definition

Love is you

The Baxter Beat

I have decided to keep this blog focused mainly on my various experiences, musings, etc. Our family will have its own blog with updates on our various adventures. Visit us at www.baxterbeat.blogspot.com. Eventually I hope to have one dedicated to photography but one blog at a time!

This is Love

These are the moments that make life sweet...

And if you really behave and do a good job, you get a "Good Mommy" reward! My little girl is so loving - she writes little notes and makes surprises for us all the time.