Beautiful Century,

Review: Walk Like You Have Somewhere To Go

2011-09-09T20:12:00.000-06:00

Lucille O'Neal, mother of basketball great Shaquille O'Neal, has written an inspirational book about her life experiences...from a her wilder teen years to struggling as a single mom and then the eye-opening accounts of life as a celebrity mom. I appreciated her transparency throughput the book. It's written as if she is sitting down across from you, in a conversational tone. Her voice grows stronger as her story unfolds, and her passion to encourage and empower others is clear as she shares about finding strength, hope and purpose through her relationship with the Lord.

I would recommend this book to others as an honest, inspirational story of an overcomer. The tidbits into Shaquille O'Neal's life are interesting as well, but the true message of hope from a mother's heart is the beauty of this book.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

His Delight

2011-01-30T19:35:00.000-07:00

You will also be a crown of beauty in the hand of the LORD,

And a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

It will no longer be said to you, "Forsaken,"

Nor to your land will it any longer be said, "Desolate";

But you will be called, "My delight is in her,"

And your land, "Married";

For the LORD delights in you,

And to Him your land will be married...

And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,

So your God will rejoice over you.

Isaiah 62:3-5b

Love Comforts

2011-01-25T21:30:00.001-07:00

I've been quiet a lot lately because I haven't felt able to put into too many words everything that's been happening. God's grace is very near, throughout this period of disbelief, fear, confusion and turmoil. I have confidence that my prayers are before Him, and so I've turned to lifting up others who are also facing trauma. Too many. How does anyone make it through without Jesus?

Last night I was finally able to attend a monthly meeting for our homeschool co-op group. Mostly ladies I've met only a few times, except for the leader who I connected with right after moving to Colorado. Instead of discussing what was on the agenda, the Holy Spirit ushered in a time of transparently sharing challenges and needs. Then we prayed for one another, encouraged and comforted...it was a precious time.

I drove home less broken, more free to open my heart before the Lord. I have a tendency to withdraw, to turn deeply inward during difficult times, even towards the Lord. To turn more of my burden over to His capable, caring arms was a huge relief.

Things aren't "fixed", but God is here in the midst of it all with me. And He walks with me (and us) moment by moment.

Clinging

2011-01-10T01:15:00.002-07:00

During my junior and senior years of high school, my guidance counselor periodically summoned me into her office to ask me if everything was okay. Always an honor roll student, my grades had dropped. I remember looking into her kind, inquisitive eyes and shaking my head. I couldn't say anything. It wasn't safe.

Years and years of burying things within and not saying, because it wasn't safe, have come to an end. This is my journey and my story. I realize that remaining silent, always editing and being careful to consider the effect on others while ignoring my own cries is...not okay.

More recently, I sought the help of a church counselor to process my grief and turmoil after my mother's passing. After getting some history and hearing my reasons for being there, he asked me if I felt like I was being heard in my life. No, I didn't feel like I was being heard. This person took down notes. Unfortunately, at our next session as we continued our discussion, the counselor started to nod off. Ironic...in a horrible way. But, I realized in the car that it wasn't as important if this person heard me as long as I was paying attention and tending to what my heart was saying.

This is an incredibly difficult time.

I am clinging to God.

He continues to touch me as He shows His love in unexpected ways.

Safe? Only in Him.

2011-01-08T12:55:00.001-07:00

All I can do right now is cling to my Savior and My Lord.  In Him, I take refuge, find comfort and hope. 

How did you know that I'm all alone today

I feel so scared and I want to go away

I bleed so deep underneath

My soul is screaming

Drowning the tears won't make it go away

It's robbing my soul

So I've taken this mask off my face to discover love

And uncover all it means to live and breathe

I'm not gonna hide

I'm not gonna run away

I'll uncover the scars and show you every mistake

Your love is mending my blisters and the bruising shame

Here with you I am safe

When You uncovered, I discovered I am not afraid

But when we're hiding, we end up fighting to be sane

 I'm not gonna hide

I'm not gonna run away

I'll uncover the scars and show you every mistake

Your love is mending my blisters and my bruising shame

Here with you

I am safe

I am safe

I am safe

I am safe

- Safe by Natalie Grant

Party Away The Blahs

2010-12-20T22:45:00.002-07:00

Photo courtesy of http://christmas-clip-art.net

I was feeling kinda blue. Sorta down. Envious of another's green grass. Focused on what was wrong in my world. I'm not normally one who tolerates a lot of self-pity but found myself wallowing in it, nevertheless.

Then I remembered something God inspired me to do a few years ago when bad news hit our family: I threw a party. When my husband was laid off, we prayed about the situation, of course. Then we danced.

It was the most tangible way to express faith after we prayed. I knew God heard our prayers. and cared. and would take care of us. Even while my heart was still processing the challenges, I could outwardly rejoice by holding a celebration of Truth beyond circumstances.

Back to this morning's blahs. After the inspiration recall, I phoned some friends to come over for a Gingerbread Decorating Party/Potluck the day after tomorrow. We'll prepare the house tomorrow and then make loads of happy memories with our friends. Scheduling events helps chase away the clouds, the blues and greens and any other color that tries to drag me down.

What helps you when you're feeling down? Want to come over and decorate some Gingerbread cookies?

Blessed

2010-12-17T20:41:00.002-07:00

How is your holiday season going thus far?

For me this year seems quieter. We've enjoyed a number of seasonal activities...the Christmas parade, crafts at the library, special storytimes, iceskating, parties, etc. I musn't forget the adventure of Black Friday! But overall, this year is different...

We are in a new state (which seems to be the one place that IS NOT snowing, by the way. Snow in Colorado? Why would I think that?!?) And "new state" meaning far more than geographical location. Some parts I can talk about, some not.

This is a Christmas away from family and without my mom. God has provided lovely friends, and it fills me with warmth and comfort. New friends so considerate and welcoming...I am blessed. And connecting with longtime friends, where hearts are immediately understood...I am blessed.

As this year wraps up and I consider the numerous changes, upheavals, trials and tragedies that have occurred...I must declare that I am blessed. My children are lively and loving and joyful and healthy and expressive and too wonderful for words! I have grown in my relationship with the Lord and am living a more authentic life. This last year has taught me so much, forced me to mature in some areas, required me to face difficult situations...yet by the grace of God my heart is open. healing. embracing truth. and still willing to learn and grow. By the grace of God.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-08T17:47:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

My New Retreat Place

2010-12-01T12:07:00.002-07:00

This is my new favorite place to be,

a beautiful retreat that soothes my soul and fills me with awe of God's artistic perfection.

It's a little over 3 miles around the lake,

and the views and terrain change.

From a paved path to gravel,

the stretch of mountains to a farm and grazing cows.

Even a little waterfall and stream!

There are inviting places to sit awhile as well as spots for a picnic,

playgrounds nestled in among exquisite homes,

but the part that speaks most to me

is the stretch of wilderness.

It's quiet there.

And my heart is at peace.

I Went Black

2010-11-26T15:30:00.003-07:00

Yes, indeed.

I crossed over to the Dark Side this morning in my quest to fulfill my little girl's long-held desire for a collection of Disney Princesses. And it was fun!

Up by 2:15 a.m. to peruse the ads one last time and get dressed in layers, I called my shopping buddy and headed out. Traffic was light. A good sign. The parking lot was mostly empty, and I didn't see a line. Could it be? Then I saw the row of shopping carts creating a line barrier. And I saw the people. Time to hustle and stake out my place in line. 2:45 a.m.

Two ladies covered in blankets on camp chairs and a single gal bundled up were in front of me, while two Euro dudes lightly dressed (and by lightly, I mean one of them was wearing shorts) took their place behind me. The wait began.

My friend pulled up a few minutes later, but there were already 10-15 people behind me in line. I couldn't let her join me in fear of a riot but was also unwilling to lose my place in line to get at the back of it with her. So I sent her to Kohl's, which was just opening at 3:00 a.m. since there wasn't anything in particular that she was after from Target anyway. Instead of heading there right away, my generous pal stopped by Starbucks and brought me a Venti Latte. Generous, I tell you.

I pegged the ladies in the camp chairs as pros and pumped them for information. They shared strategies and their experience. A gentleman in front of them counted the number of people ahead of us in line: 103. I hoped that none of them wanted Disney Princesses. Security passed out store maps, and a news cameraman appeared. The parking lot started to fill as more and more people joined the line that now snaked around the side of the building. Did I mention that this was a SuperTarget? A humongous building.

During the final minutes before the doors opened, a curious wall of people formed by the entrance - why weren't they joining the line? Either they were going to try to merge into the crowd heading in or were reluctant to walk all the way behind the building to the end of the line. Target security was on the ball and monitored that crowd diligently. No line cutters!

The adrenaline rush and excitement tinged with a bit of anxiety grew as the doors opened. Would there be enough? Was it going to be madness inside of the store? Did everyone want the same thing I did??? I walked to the Toy section, rounded the corner and saw my prize on the shelf. No one else was there! Seriously, tears sprang to my eyes as I took hold of a box. My daughter had been doing extra chores and saving her money for months to buy the dolls, and Target was offering them for 30% off. I could imagine her excitement and appreciation on Christmas morning - all of her hard work had paid off in a different way.

Next I headed to the Men's section to look for the plush robe my husband wanted that was being offered for 50% off. Again, no one else was in that section, and I took my time deciding on a color. The two items that I'd come for were in my possession. I was thankful. And relieved.

The store was super crowded as I made my way to the registers, but people were pleasant and patient. Though I'm certain this wasn't the scene at every store, my first experience as a Black Friday early morning bargain hunter was great! The store employees were cheerful, helpful and the store organized. The camaraderie with the people in line, the thrill of the hunt, and the reward of a bargain price on a Christmas prize...I'd do it again if there was an item I wanted to purchase. I can assure you, however, that I won't be camping out with my tent just to be first in line - there was a woman who'd been there since noon on Thanksgiving day. She's outta my league as far as being a dedicated bargain hunter.

Overall, I'm feeling extremely blessed that I was able to get the dolls and robe for such great prices as well as a few other items for my family at other stores we visited after Target. We were finished with our shopping just as the sun was going up over the mountains. It was time for bed!

This post is about my experience and opinions about shopping on Black Friday - I was not asked or compensated by Target or any other store to write about my experience.

Thanksgiving Blessings...

2010-11-24T18:33:00.002-07:00

...to You!!!

I hope you have a wonderful holiday

with lots of warmth and love and great food!

A Gift from Nature

2010-11-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

Look what I found on a walk recently!

A gorgeous branch filled with orange leaves begging for me to take it home!

I placed it in a moss-filled, burlap-net covered vase ( inspired by Pottery Barn)

and arranged it with my ceramic pumpkins. So happy!

Thanksgiving Blessings to you!

I hope you have a wonderful holiday

filled with lots of warmth, love and yummy food!

Sad...

2010-11-15T15:17:00.001-07:00

I love this time of year. The nip in the air, the yummy aromas of autumn, the planning and shopping for treasures, the sparklies and fun activities, all of it. It's always been magical to me, filled with hope. No matter what was going on in my life, my heart always got filled up with the beauty of Christmas. It was a respite from any bad situation.

But this year, there's a birdnest or something lodged in my throat. Making it really hard to swallow, bringing tears to my eyes because of the discomfort. I wander around Target, blissfully in awe one moment and wanting to bury my head into a fluffy throw in order to muffle my screams.

From January until now, it's been a difficult year. Tragic in so many ways that my heart feels permanently broken. That's on top of the messies already present in my life.

Honestly, it's Jesus and my children that convince me to get out of bed.

I'm a pretty-good-at-faking-it mess. Maybe not-so-good-at-faking-it anymore.

It's in my nature to want to downplay the negative and serve up lots of positive pep. But I strive to be honest, transparent and open with my blog. And though this isn't going to turn into a lamenting sort of place, I know that I'm not the only one who faces difficulties. And as tired as I am with putting on a front, I'm even more tired with the pressure of keeping up appearances mainly for their comfort. They dictate too much of what's going on in my life. They aren't very nice or caring in the first place and certainly don't help, so why am I so concerned with them? Quite frankly, I am frustrated and angry at constantly being judged by them.

Who are they? Well, several faces do come to mind specifically. But mainly they are the people on the outskirts of my life who haven't invested in me but somehow manage to entangle themselves into my business. I'm going to be talking about them and the ways I must be free of their influence in order to not get tripped up by bitterness and also to be free to be all that God says I am.

I'm mad at them, but more than that, sad for me. Too much has happened this year. Though I've appeared to "sail through" the challenges, truth is, I've been faking it some. And the burden has become a little too heavy for me right now. Gotta let a little air out of the balloon so that it doesn't explode. OK, I'm going to hit publish post for my authentic sake before I edit myself. Again.

Last Day of the Challenge: Pictures

2010-11-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

Day 30: Pictures

2010-11-08T23:23:00.001-07:00

Day 29: Three Wishes1. To be paid well doing something I love2. To impart God's best into my children, that they'd be everything God's purposed for them to be3. For me to walk in the fullness of everything God has for me

Day 28: Something That Stresses Me Out

2010-11-07T17:02:00.001-07:00

Day 28: Something That Stresses Me OutStress stresses me out.Eating too much Halloween candy because of stress stresses me out ;-)Financial instability is probably number one.Concern for my children, especially if one of them is ill or if a situation arises affecting them.The aftermath of losing my mother has added new stresses to my life.Running and exercising more have helped tremendously with stress.Reading the Word more faithfully and praying have helped the most.

A Photo of My Family & Pets

2010-11-06T18:31:00.001-06:00

Day 26 of the 30 Day Blog Challenge (over at Katie's Journey)

is to share photo(s) of your family:

Day 27: Pets

We don't currently have any pets. The only family pet we've had was a goldfish that blessed our home with its presence for a few months. I KNEW that I'd end up taking care of the fish and was the only one that cried when it died. With a trembling voice, I broke the news to the children and watched their faces closely, ready to comfort. Instead, they took the news in stride. A few minutes later, I heard LAUGHTER coming from the bathroom as Dad showed them how to send the fish off to its watery grave. LAUGHTER, I tell you. Who knows if and when we'll have another pet...maybe when Mama's recovered from the last one, SNIFF.

Ipod Song Shuffle

2010-11-04T21:46:00.000-06:00

Day 25: Song Shuffle On My Ipod

Music is so critical to my life.

Music to celebrate,

to worship,

to mourn,

to rage against the world,

and to heal.

Music to help keep my pace

and my humor.

My Ipod is filled with

Christian worship,

80s assortment,

Disco,

Salsa and Merengue

and other music to dance to.

The random 10:

1. Groove Is In The Heart by Dee-Lite

2. Supertones Strike Back by the O.C. Supertones

3. Whip It by Devo

4. Behind The Wheel by Depeche Mode

5. Venus by Bananarama

6. Socially Acceptable by DC Talk

7. Pump It by Black-Eyed Peas

8. Upside Down by Diana Ross

9. Held by Natalie Grant

10. I Look Up To The Hills by Natalie Wilson and S.O.P.

My Favorite City & Vacation, Something I've Learned

2010-11-03T21:03:00.001-06:00

Day 22: Favorite City

My first answer is Paris,
though I've not visited there except in my dreams.
Yet that city stirs my soul, provokes my imagination,
and inspires my art.
Amsterdam is breathtaking,
complex, and overwhelming to the senses.
The regal history of Washington DC,
the museums and culture,
the many visits with friends and happy memories
make this my overall favorite.

Day 23: Favorite Vacation

The two times I went to Disney World were the best vacations of my life.
The first time, I visited with my mother, sister and nephew.
The second, I took with my little ones.
Such a magical, fantastical place!

Day 24: Something I've Learned
The most important thing I've learned,
over and over and over,
and have been recently reminded of in such a loving manner
is that God is always accessible.
He's here.
He really cares.
He responds to my heart cry.
There's security in Him.

A Picture of Myself...Feather Eyelashes, Oh My!

2010-10-31T23:37:00.000-06:00

Day 21: A Picture of Myself
Well, you can't get any more current than a picture from this evening.And since today happens to be Halloween...

To coincide with the Finale of the 8th Season,I decided to be a "Project Runway Design"based on an outfit by my absolute favorite designer on the show, Mondo.You can read more about how my outfit came together here.BTW, the purple hair accessory and the peacock feather pin are Miki Originals!

Something I Miss and My Nicknames

2010-10-30T20:08:00.000-06:00

I was away Thursday through Saturday, celebrating on top of a mountain with a dear friend from the East.

Day 19: Something (or Someone) I Miss

I miss my Mom.
This weekend up in the mountains,
I found myself grieving her unexpectedly.
It hit me really hard.
I've found that when the world is still, late at night,
my true thoughts and emotions often rise to the surface
to be addressed.
The neat thing about moments that have passed
are the memories that can be played over and over again.
Sometimes it becomes necessary to fast forward to skip certain scenes,
but there's always the option to pause as well.
To linger with a beautiful memory.

Day 20: My Nicknames

I actually dislike nicknames
since most often they become unflattering and limiting LABELS
that stick to one's psyche
long after everyone else has forgotten the name.
Often the one being given the nickname has NO CHOICE
and is stuck with this term whether they like it or not.

I once challenged a 6 ft. tall, very large man
to step outside in front of our church to settle things
when he wouldn't stop calling my son
"Pretty Boy"
week after week in the church nursery.
I'd asked him to stop multiple times,
and he wouldn't honor my ~~requests~~ demands
to stop calling my son such a frivolous name.
Enough.
And I would've thrown a punch at that point
to show how very, very serious I was
that no one was going to call my son any kind of name
other than the one that we strongly felt God had given us to name our boy.

The only nickname that I was given that I've enjoyed
was one given to me by a kindred spirit.
Inspired by a sad song on a Debby Boone album from the late 70s,
Micol's Theme (who remembers this song???),
my friend called me "Micola."
You can hear the song on Youtube.
As a matter of fact,
I'm listening to it right now.
I was still in elementary school when this album came out,
but I used to listen and sing along at the top of my lungs.
There was another song on the same album that you may know,
just a little tune called "You Light Up My Life."
I love that song too.

Day 18: Something I Regret

2010-10-28T00:53:00.000-06:00

Day 18: Something I Regret
Though there are many specific incidences in my life that I profoundly regret, the main theme they share is that I wasn't true to myself.I didn't listen to my heart.Choosing against myself has caused me the most regret.

Day 17: What I Look Forward To The Most

2010-10-27T12:25:00.000-06:00

Day 17: Something I'm Looking Forward To
Honestly, the thing I am most looking forward to is Heaven.The place where peace reigns, where there is no sorrow,no pain, no troubles,to have nothing hidden, nothing dark,nothing sinister or threatening,to know perfect contentment and joy,to be reunited with loved ones who've gone before me,a place where nothing separates me from Jesus,to bask in the Light and Glory of God forever and ever...Everything else is dull in comparison,but I run this race, knowing that one day that awaits me.In the meantime, that I would live my life in a way that honors the Lord and to share of the hope found only in Him.

Days 14, 15, and 16 - Busy Weekend!!!

2010-10-26T01:45:00.001-06:00

Day 14: A Picture I Love

Day 15: Bible VerseOne of my favorite verses is 1 Kings 19:11-12And He said, Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.
And behold, the Lord passed by,
and a great and strong wind rent the mountains
and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord,
but the Lord was not in the wind;
and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake;
And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire;
and after the fire [a sound of gentle stillness and] a still, small voice.

After his triumphant showdown with the prophets of Baal,

Elijah freaks out because Jezebel has threatened to kill him

and runs off in fear.

God sends angels to help him and to bring him food.

While he's camping out in a cave,

God talks to him and asks him what he's doing there.

God demonstrates that it's not in all these dramatic ways that He can be found.

His voice is that still, small voice.

It's an intimate voice, a personal one-on-one kind of voice.

It reminds me to commune with the Lord

from my heart and to listen for Him carefully.

He doesn't reveal Himself often in a dramatic way,

but instead His voice is gentle and beautiful and personal.

Day 16: My Dream HouseI have eclectic taste.My idea of a dream house has included...a castlea Victorian house with a wraparound porchthe house in Home Aloneand the house I still miss and ache for in my heart - the 1943 Cape Cod that was a fixer-upper.It was in this home that I discovered my love of designand my ability to paint and restore.More importantly, the house had such a warm and welcoming feel.Some of the sweetest memories of our family took place while we lived there,and that's what I miss the most.The sense of belonging, the sense of community,our church family and friends there,my children's friends.We were close to the beach.I loved that house and our life.It's been four years since we moved away,but my heart still hurts for what we left behind.My dream house is a place of stability,a place where my children are happy and have many friends.A place where I can express my design aesthetic and fill with friends and laughter.

Day 13: Goals

2010-10-23T23:00:00.003-06:00

Day 13: Goals

My Goals:

Complete my college degree...praying about applying to Art/Design School
Run a 5K (Thanksgiving morning!) and other races
I'd like to eventually compete in a triathlon
Run my own successful business
Travel with my children, showing them the world, and also working alongside of them to touch others with the love of Christ
Have a gallery showing of my art/photography

These are some of my goals - what are yours?And the remaining topics for the 30 Day Blog Challenge:
Day 14-A picture you love
Day 15-Bible verse
Day 16-Dream house
Day 17-Something you're looking forward to
Day 18-Something you regret
Day 19-Something you miss
Day 20-Nicknames
Day 21-Picture of yourself
Day 22-Favorite city
Day 23-Favorite vacation
Day 24-Something you've learned
Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26-Picture of your family
Day 27-Pets
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Day 29-3 Wishes
Day 30-a picture

Days 11 and 12, An Interesting Combo

2010-10-22T23:08:00.000-06:00

Day 11 : "What are your favorite TV shows?"

Most of the shows on HGTV,
especially "Color Confidential," "House Hunters," "Divine Design," and "Design Star."
Project Runway
Law & Order (and their off-shoots)
Grey's Anatomy

Day 12: What You Believe

I believe in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit,
that the Creator of the universe is the One Who made me/us for His purpose,
Who saved me/us, loves me/us and is with me/us always.

I believe that with Him and in Him the impossible is possible,
that there's healing for every kind of hurt,
comfort for all sorts of pain,
peace for turmoil,
joy to overcome sorrow,
beauty to grow in the place of barren terrain,
hope and true love.
In Him.

There's more, of course.
But I believe that His Word is our Source of strength
and the foundation of all things worth believing.

30 Day Challenge: Days 9 & 10

2010-10-20T16:57:00.000-06:00

Day 9: Pictures of My Friends

I declined to post photos because I have many friends,

(and I'd have to hijack their photos from Facebook)

and/or they'd rather not have their photos on a public blog.

Day 10: What I Am Afraid Of

Clusters of Holes

Being Up High

Creepy, Crawly Bugs (especially large ones)

Missing God's Best for My Life

We Interrupt The Regularly Scheduled Program...

2010-10-19T22:37:00.006-06:00

"Fix Your Own Potholes!"

It's a phrase that's been going around and around in my head since I heard it a few days ago. It was an "a-ha!" moment - so many times we I think it's someone else's fault for things being the way they are. Perhaps there is a part another person contributed to the problem, but ultimately, I have to take a long, hard look at myself and examine my choices. The only thing I can control and change and take responsibility for is myself.

The distracting noise in my life that courts depression has been this frustrated, whiny internal dialogue that wants to place the blame on someone else for things being yucky. As I am working through it and turn to God (via His Word and desperate cries for help!), the same Truth is confirmed over and over and over:

I need to keep my eyes on the Lord; He's the Who, shows me the What, Where and How I should be looking. The filter of the Word of God helps clarify my vision and my thoughts. He illuminates the important and necessary, causing the distractions to fade.

Something that the children and I reminded each other of in the weeks after my mother's passing was to remember that great clouds of witnesses that she was now a part of, which helps give another perspective to the challenges of this life.

Therefore then, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses

[who have borne testimony to the Truth],

let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight)

and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us,

and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence

the appointed course of the race that is set before us,

Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus,

Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith

[giving the first incentive for our belief]

and is also its Finisher

[bringing it to maturity and perfection].

He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him,

endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame,

and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:1-2

Perhaps a better translation of the opening phrase is:

Ask Jesus for help fixing your potholes.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 8

2010-10-18T23:32:00.003-06:00

Day 8: A Place (or Places) I've Traveled To
This may be my favorite post yet -I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to experience several countries!

© Japonka | Dreamstime.comI was born in Hawaii and moved to Japan when I was around one.My parents took us on road trips all over Japan.We visited towns where the people had never seen Americans.The people gasped when my siblings and I started speaking Japanese.They gathered around us and bought us ice cream!

© Thethirdman | Dreamstime.comI spent a month total in Kenya and Ethiopia with friends from Bible schooland fell in love with Ethiopia.A year and a half later, I moved to Ethiopia for a year as a missionary.Though I intended to remain in Africa for the rest of my life,God had other plans for me.

© Svetlana Kashkina | Dreamstime.comPrior to coming back to the U.S. to get married,I spent almost 3 months in Bulgaria, traveling all over that countryfor the same organization that sent me to Ethiopia.

© Christina Deridder | Dreamstime.comWhen my daughter was one, my husband and I took her to Holland for 2 weeksbecause we were planning on moving there to work with a Christian ministry.It wasn't the right time for our family, but we loved Europe.

Our last major trip was 1st to Canada, then Alaska.We won a cruise and fell in love with Alaska.Then again, I don't think we've been anywhere we haven't loved.

© Easyshutter | Dreamstime.comNow if only I could hurry up and get to Paris, the city of my dreams! My friend and I were supposed to go back In March to celebrate our upcoming 40th birthdays,but I moved to Colorado.SOON.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 7

2010-10-17T20:59:00.000-06:00

Day 7: My Favorite Movies
A Walk In The CloudsThe Mirror Has Two FacesStepmomPride and Prejudice
I enjoy movies that are superbly acted and tell a great story. I'm sure there are more but these are the first ones that come to mind!

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6

2010-10-15T22:33:00.001-06:00

Day 6 of the 30 Day Blog Challenge:

A picture of something that makes me happy

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 5

2010-10-15T00:19:00.000-06:00

Day 5: My Siblings
I am a...Middle Child. Need I say more?
Yes, most of the things they say about middle children are true with me. The following information comes from an article, Middle Children: Finding Their Own Pride of Place by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
Middle children. They often aren't the biggest and strongest, they aren't the babies who get away with murder, they aren't really anything special, at least in their own minds. Sometimes they feel invisible. But this uncomfortable feeling of not having a defined place in the family may actually turn out to be an advantage. Unlike first children, who often define success by their ability to meet their parents' expectations, middle children are more prone to rebel against the status quo. Another result of having a less well-defined place in the family is that middle children often reach outside the family for significant relationships. They make close circles of friends. As the underdogs themselves in many sibling conflicts, middle children often develop a fine sense of empathy with the downtrodden... Where first and last children may tend to be self-centered, middle children often take a genuine interest in getting to know other people. Being in the middle, they may find it easier to look at interpersonal situations from various points of view.
The most revealing part of the article above for me was "not having a defined place in the family can turn out to be an advantage." Though I often felt lonely when my brother and sister conspired together, it taught me to stand alone and for myself. It enabled me to find my voice early in life and to depend on my inner resources of creativity, imagination, and sometimes sheer will to navigate through life, both in my younger years and even now as an adult.
I wrote the above about being the Middle Child a few years ago,but it's still very true today.That's all I can share about my siblings right now.

30 Blog Challenge: Day 4

2010-10-14T11:17:00.000-06:00

Day 4: My Parents
This one promises to be an emotional post, so I'm going to dive right in. What to share about my parents?
My Dad.One of the things I love to share about my Dad -it was very easy for me to view God as kind, loving, warm, and generousbecause of his example.
My Dad can't help himself.From the time I was little,if I asked him for a $1.00, he'd always give me $20.00.He has a giving heart. And he's kind, except when he's grumpy. Ha ha, had to throw that in, Pops.I remember the first time I was in a car accident,my Dad rushed to the scene.I was slightly annoyedthat he was joking with the officer (not about me).His easy-going manner probably helped me not get a ticket,and I never had to worry about my Dad being upset with me in crisis moments like that.He helped me see things in a better light.
When I told my Dad I was going to Africa,he just listened and asked when?And he dropped me off/picked me up at the airport,whatever the hour and wherever I was landing.There's a lot more I'd like to say and will in another post.More than anything,I want my Dad to know my heavenly Father.How about it, Pops?
My Mom.She went home to be with the Lord a little over 3 months ago.She was the fire to my Dad's water.She was vivacious, and lively, and expressive,and more talented that anyone I've ever met.
My Mom taught me courage and to never run from adversity.When a group of girls in 4th grade threatened to beat me up,rather than comforting me in my fear,she looked me in the eye and made clear that she expected me to face them.I was never to run or hide.Or I'd have to answer to her.
A woman of strong convictions,she challenged my ideas in order to be sure they were my own.Whatever I believed or did,it had to be 100%. She didn't want me to be a blind or foolish followerbut to forge my own way instead.I realize now that she cried many tearswhenever I left to go on my adventures,but she hid her sorrow in order to not hold me back.
Like the positive charges of two magnets repelling each other,our similar temperaments and passionsoften clashed in dramatic fashion.I wish we could have gone beyond that to reveal our true hearts to one another.But when it really mattered,all that needed to be expressed and knowncame through in her final moments.More than anything,I want her to be proud of me.I want to carry her fire within me and, one day, burst into heaven,having lived my earthly adventure to the fullest.
I am my parents' daughter still writing my story.That I would take the best qualities of eachand live a life that honors them and the Lord.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 3

2010-10-13T00:00:00.001-06:00

Day 3 of the 30 Day Blog Challenge hosted by Katie's Journey: Your First Love

I'm not trying to flex my "super spiritual" muscles here,

but there's been no other love in my life like that of my Lord and Savior,

Jesus Christ.

Who first whispered His love and purpose to me at an early age,

though I grew up in a non-religious home.

Who made sure there was always someone in my life

who gently pointed the way to me.

Who enabled me to survive several tragic circumstances in my life,

and literally lifted me out of the depths of despair more than once.

The Lover of my soul,

Whose stubborn passion for me won't let go,

no matter what.

He loves us.

Adores us, thinks about us.

Longs to be close to us.

He is kind, gentle, and funny too!

There is no other love quite like His.

"For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life,

nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening,

nor things to come, nor powers,

Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation

will be able to separate us

from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:38-39 (The Amplified Bible)

"I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—

nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic,

today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—

absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love

because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

Romans 8:38-39 (The Message Bible)

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 2: The Meaning of My Blog's Name

2010-10-12T00:01:00.003-06:00

Day 2 (of the 30 Day Blog Challenge, check it out here)

is sharing the meaning behind my blog's name:

Beautiful Century, A Beautiful Life

One of the biggest blessings my mother gave me was my name.

Kind of like Joseph being given a special coat,

I am the only one with a Japanese name.

My father chose my siblings' names,

but my mother was determined to give a Japanese name to one child.

And she chose this name for me.

In the formal written language,

the meaning is formed with the specific combination

of the Japanese characters.

I have to share the meaning of the name

in order for someone to be able to properly write it.

The characters that form my name, Miki,

translate to Beautiful Century.

My mother's hope that my life would be long and meaningful.

I am so glad that my mother taught me Japanese.

I miss chatting with her and teasing her in Japanese.

I thought I was doing so well with grieving her passing,

until it hit me that I wouldn't have anyone to speak Japanese with.

And that she wouldn't cook all the special dishes she loved making for me.

Since I was a child, I've always preferred Japanese food.

We enjoyed watching sumo together.

She was a professional dancer,

trained in traditional Japanese dance from the age of three.

I loved watching her dance.

I miss my mom.

Her legacy continues...

she helped me with the Japanese characters and the meaning

of my youngest son's name.

My husband and I found the name Keizo.

Really felt strongly that it was the right name for him.

Then my mom told us about this honorable samurai in our family history.

The characters that form my son's name are the same as that ancestor.

Keizo means "God's grace, blessing, mercy and love."

His middle name Jun means pure.

My children are learning Japanese,

and they know just enough to be able to tease me.

My mother's influence and heritage lives on.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 1

2010-10-11T04:13:00.000-06:00

Inspired by Barbie from My Freshly Brewed Life, I decided to join the 30 Day Blog Challenge posted by Katie of Katie's Journey.

Day 1: Introduce yourself, post a recent picture, and list 15 interesting facts.
Hello there! My name is Miki.

I live in Colorado and am a homeschooling mom of three. I am also a photographer and am training to run my 1st 5K on Thanksgiving Day.(Pray for me!) Here are some "interesting" things about me:
1. I grew up speaking English and Japanese fluently. In fact, I didn't realize until my American grandmother pointed it out, when I was 7, that not everyone flipped back and forth between the 2 languages like we did in our home!2. My ancestors include William Bradford, who came across on the Mayflower and was Governor of Plymouth Colony (on my father's side.) 3. On my mother's side, I am a descendant of samurai. My youngest son is named after a noble samurai in my family history. 4. I have travelled to 7 countries (Japan, United States, Kenya, Ethiopia, Bulgaria, Holland, and Canada.) Those don't include countries I've flown into or had to go into for a day for visa purposes.5. I've been in a film, music video, stage play, morning tv talk show, and radio program at least once, some more than that. 6. By the grace of God, I gave birth to my 3 kids naturally - the last one in a bathtub and I delivered him into my own hands!7. I was a missionary in Ethiopia and was a licensed minister during that time. It was surreal/wild getting correspondence with "Rev." written on the envelope.8. Challenged to a race by an adult soccer player in Ethiopia, I twice beat him across the length of the pool. Swimming has always been a strength of mine. 9. My 1st week of waitressing, I waited on Charlie Sheen and the cast of "Navy Seals" (because everyone one else hid from the large party that came in right before closing.) No one believed me when I said who I was waiting on (because everyone was off duty and in the back room) until the cast was leaving. Even though I didn't know what I was doing, I managed to get everyone their food/drinks and got a very nice tip!10. I am a middle child and proud of it!11. I've looked forward to turning 40 for most of my life - I've always thought of it as a very important, defining age for a woman, and that women just begin to hit the peak of their beauty at 40. I can't believe it's 6 months away!!!12. I have a severe dislike of clusters of holes.13. The one body part I don't like are my ear lobes. Weird, I know.14. Being bi-cultural and growing up in Japan (until 11), I had never seen anyone that looked like me, until I saw a picture of some ladies from India or Pakistan - then I thought, "There's my people!" Even now, I have a fascination with the clothing/style of that region of the world. 15. I almost always root for the underdog.
Link up your own posts and join the fun!

Random. Warning: This Post Takes A Plunge.

2010-10-08T13:25:00.002-06:00

Happy Friday to you! Our weather here in Colorado has morphed into a strange mix of unusually warm weather. And today, a cooler overcast day without that nip that makes autumn so delicious. I am confused...

A few minutes ago, my toddler ran to the window when he heard the alarms from a fire truck. I thought I'd break down in tears when he put his hands together and started whispering a prayer. Moments like this make my heart so thankful...

This is week three of my training to run a 5K on Thanksgiving morning. Yesterday I ran with my two oldest in the neighborhood vs. training with my running partner at dawn - the morning came way too early. And I found that I am prone to leg cramps when I haven't had a good night's rest. One way that running has changed my life thus far (besides the fact that I. AM. RUNNING!!!) is helping me get to bed at a decent hour. I've had insomnia for years and still struggle with it on nights when I don't have to run the following morning. Maybe I will have to build up to running every morning...or maybe not.

On a final note, I am going to be examining my Bible to see if I have any Pharisitical (is that a word?) or Pharisee-like tendencies in my life right now. Why? Because I have been suffering from a stiff neck for about a week. It doesn't matter how or where I sleep. I wake up with a painfully stiff neck. A heating pad, muscle creams, stretching & massage are all ineffective. Stress? Well, that's a post for another day. I feel like someone has bound my hand onto an angry rodeo bull, and I'm being whipped around & beaten up mercilessly. So what started off this post on a happier note ends with a severe downturn as more bull manifests itself in my life. I lost something precious to me a little bit ago. By carelessness on the part of another. In a string of carelessnesses. Adios, before I take us off the precipice of despair.

Bellybutton Theory

2010-10-07T01:10:00.000-06:00

Ever since my children were born, I've had this observation that I've become more and more convinced of: my "Bellybutton Theory." That bellybuttons reveal or match the personality of the body they reside in.

For example, I am a straightforward person but an introvert at heart. Though I come across as outgoing and don't display the typical behaviors of someone shy, I am. I enjoy having a few really close friends that I develop deep relationships with. My bellybutton is fairly straightforward and simple, a basic cavern that goes really deep. It takes a flashlight to see all the way to the end of it.

My outgoing spouse's bellybutton has a few layers but is very close to the surface. And my children's coincide with the intricacies of their personalities as well. A combo of ours. Not one outie, though. But my very outgoing friend has an outie button too.

Interesting n'est-ce pas? What about you? Does your bellybutton confirm your personality?

School Pics

2010-10-04T14:38:00.003-06:00

The "look" of Autumn, something I took for granted in Virginia, is a little harder to come by here in Colorado. But I came across the most vibrant group of bushes while I was out running, and they were perfect as the backdrop for the kids' school pictures.

Grumpy, No More

2010-10-01T18:48:00.002-06:00

I was so increasingly grumpy today that I was ready to put myself in the corner for a serious time-out. The day started off well enough - though I woke up at 5:50 a.m. for my morning run, a miscommunication with my running partner allowed me to curl back up under the covers. That should have set me up for a great morning and even greater day. Not so much.

Halfway through my delicious cup of coffee and in the midst of our Science lesson, IRRITATION struck. stayed. and grew. Thank God most of it was internal, though a few snarly words escaped my lips. I was angry at the world, frustrated, overwhelmed and (woe is me) feeling very alone. I wanted to rip somebody's head off (literally) and at the same time curl up into a ball and suck my thumb (but I've been on my toddler's case about keeping his fingers out of his mouth, so I dared not go there.)

Yes. It is that magical time-o'-the-month. And I am not crazed most months, according to me, but there are those times when I should stay away from others. When I really don't feel like playing nice. When I want to say those things that cross my mind. When the universe doesn't like me and I don't like it either.

I cautiously ventured out this afternoon for the sake of my long-suffering children to a weekly homeschool play date at the park. My running partner and I decided to squeeze in our run after the playtime. The kids ran around with their friends, while conversations with other Mamas distracted me from my internal tantrums.

Then something wondrous happened. As we started our run, I. felt. great. I was stronger than before, breathed better, endured better - I was enjoying RUNNING! I felt more in control and even pushed myself harder than I had before.

Yes, I had heard many times before that exercise was great for curing all the wacky female stuff, for releasing endorphins and stimulating all sorts of happy things to soothe and calm and heal...and I never listened. Until today. It really is true. I am back to being a productive member of society. I am calm. peaceful. and peace-filled. What I need to do tonight to wrap up the day on a continual upswing is spend some time in the Word. I have been consistent in reading the Word and have felt the effects of it, but an ill toddler, late nights, etc., etc. got me off schedule with that. Which played a significant part, I'm sure, with me being out of sorts. And these doggone hormones!!! But it just shows me that, regardless of how I feel, it is possible to push past that, to do what I know I should do, and eventually those feelings won't have as strong a grip on me. Such is the life of an overcomer, isn't it?

Oh, Give Me A Home...

2010-09-29T15:26:00.004-06:00

...where the buffalo roam, where the deer and the antelope play. Where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the skies are not cloudy all day. (Home On the Range)

These are photos from our visit to Walker Ranch on Sunday, up in the mountains west of Boulder. I asked the friend who told me about this place if I'd need a tranquilizer or something to get up the mountain (windy roads and sheer drop-offs are not my friends.) "No, not at all," she assured me. HA!

I seriously don't know how the pioneers got to this place. But they did, back in 1882, when the Walkers filed a homestead claim and turned it into one of the biggest cattle ranches in this part of Colorado. Can you see the horses plowing the field on the left hand bottom part of the picture below?

Are you ready to trade in your modern appliances for this stove?

Life wasn't easy out on the ranch.

But the kids thought this was fun,
and Keizo wanted to wash the whole bucket of socks!

Take it from someone who had to wash their clothes by hand in Ethiopia -

the novelty wears off very quickly.

The schoolhouse (above),
though I don't think they taught you how to be a cowboy there.

For that, you need hands on learning.

From an enthusiastic cowboy.

They open the ranch four times a year, and we are all looking forward to another visit. Though I will not be venturing up the mountain once it snows, unless it's by horse and wagon. Right.

Getting Off The Couch...

2010-09-27T22:50:00.001-06:00

Photographer: federico stevanin

You know that definition of insanity: doing something over and over the same way and expecting a different result? Stop the madness!

I've started running.

My 40th birthday is six months away, and I've wanted to make some major changes in my life for quite some time, especially with my body. Though I have great endurance with swimming and other activities, I've never been a runner. Intrigued by many of my friends' postings on Facebook about the miles they've run and greatly admiring their accomplishments, I decided to step out onto the track myself. God provided a partner in this new adventure, and we are doing a program called "The Couch to 5K Running Program." The end of the program is the week before a 5K race on Thanksgiving morning. How convenient...

We completed our first week of training last week, and it's getting a tiny bit easier for me each time. I am looking forward to crossing the finishing line Thanksgiving morning, approximately eight weeks from now. What goals do you have or what changes would you like to see in your life by Thanksgiving???

What are some

A Quieter Season

2010-09-18T12:59:00.000-06:00

The usherance of autumn coincides with a quieter season in my life. I welcome it. After an emotionally tumultuous summer of sorrow, a contemplative, restful autumn is the perfect antidote.

Week Two of homeschooling went well. I really like the books we've chosen for each subject, except Spelling. Ugh. I am ready to throw it out the window and am searching for an alternative. In general, I cannot stand anything that is overly fussy, too regimented and stern (maybe because the Hyde part of me can be that way.) Yes, this Spelling curriculum is STERN. My children, like me, are voracious readers, and I believe that will help them with spelling more than the gazillion rules and confusing processes this text dictates.

Fridays wrap up with a park day, and I have had the pleasure of meeting many lovely ladies while my children make new friends. We've exchanged e-mail addresses and are friends on Facebook... Finally. After nearly 6 months, Colorado is becoming home.

Something I am very much looking forward to is a Photography Workshop I am going to be teaching for homeschooled kids. There are good things on the horizon!

Week One of School: So Far, So Good!

2010-09-09T23:14:00.000-06:00

Call me weird, but I like to start our school year on a Monday, the first complete week of the month which always happens to be Labor Day. Since that's not a holiday that we celebrate in any particular way, I think it's okay.

This year, I have a 4th grader, a 2nd grader and a "pay attention to me, don't you know that the whole world revolves around me" toddler. Tomorrow marks the end of our 1st week of school - so far, so good! This is what our week looks like:

Mondays: Language Arts including Grammar, Spelling, Handwriting

Tuesdays: The older two are attending two classes each at a homeschool enrichment program. The 4th grader's classes include Theater and a class called Mini-Society, which is an economics/entrepreneurial course about how to start a business, study the market, create, price, and sell your products, etc. I knew this was the right class for her ever since she wrote a letter to Target about hiring her even though she was only nine years old! The 2nd grader's classes are P.E. and K'nex, which teaches team building, problem solving, etc.

Wednesdays: Math

Thursdays: History

Friday: Science

In addition to these core subjects, the kids do a daily devotional and Bible reading, are learning Japanese via Rosetta Stone, study art and do various projects several times a week, study music and practice their instruments, and we get out to the park or do some outdoor activity throughout the week also. I switched to doing one main subject per day (versus a little bit every day) last year, and it really works well for us to delve into a subject deeper on that one day and concentrate all activities, discussions, etc. on it.

This year, I am super excited about what we're using for History (The Mystery of History) and Science (Considering God's Creation). Towards the end of last year, both kids started asking in depth questions about how the events listed in the Bible matched up to other historical events and why evolution was mentioned so often in programs they watched about animals and the earth. I knew we had to address these issues head on, and these two programs start with Creation and go deep into God's Word, historical facts and scientific knowledge to show how God did indeed magnificently and purposefully create all things.

That's our homeschooling program in a nutshell. If you have any ideas to share, things that have worked for you, etc., please share!

Practice

2010-09-06T21:51:00.001-06:00

Photographer: Ian Britton

Though I was born in Hawaii, my family moved to Japan when I was still a baby. My American grandmother (who lived in Missouri) wrote to me regularly and sent me books and devotionals. Though I did not grow up in a religious family, I read them faithfully, eager to connect to anything that she shared with me. When I was seven, my grandmother came to visit us in Japan for several months; it was a visit that fulfilled every fantasy I'd had of what an American grandmother would be - she was warm, cuddly, patient, always smiling - a wonderful lady!

One of my grandmother's favorite stories about me was how I switched back and forth from English to Japanese in the course of a conversation without realizing it AND fully expected her to follow what I said! That was the norm in my house, and it never occurred to me that other people didn't speak both languages.

And what an impression she left on me! I insisted that we "practice being American," after she left, which meant we had to eat hamburgers, french fries and pizza because that's what "Americans ate." I asked my mother to buy grits because it seemed like an American thing to eat - bleh! Forget the sushi and miso soup, we were going to be authentic Americans! My Japanese Mom started baking pies from scratch, and I just KNEW we were as American as, well, the apple pies she was making.

Until we moved to the States. We spent the summer in Missouri visiting my grandmother and American relatives. They met our family at the airport, hugging and kissing us...what a shocker! In Japan, people don't touch each other - you bow, if anything. So all of this ooey-gooey, mushy affection was overwhelming.

I had one mission that I HAD to accomplish to seal my "American-ness." Having read many books, especially stories about family and life in America (never mind that many had been written in the 1950s), I was desperate to get to a "Five and Dime" Store to order a quarter pound of some kind of American candy. I kept asking my relatives to take me to one...puzzled, they finally inquired about what it was I wanted and took me to a mall kiosk with bins of assorted treats. I ordered my quarter pounder bag of goodies beaming with joy. I had arrived. I was a genuine American girl.

Cover Them With A Blanket

2010-09-03T13:17:00.111-06:00

Photography by Maggie Smith

The following song never ceases to move me. To remind me of Jesus' compassion and tender kindness. To compel me to stop judging and to love. The way He loved us. In our mess.

Wounded Soldier by Helen Baylor

See all the wounded

Hear all their desperate cries for help

They're pleading for shelter and for peace

Our comrades are suffering

Come let us meet them and their need

Don't let a wounded soldier die, oh no

Come let us pour the oil

Come let us bind their hurt

Let's cover them with a blanket of His love

Come let us break the bread

Come let us give them rest

Let's minister healing to them

Don't let another wounded soldier die

Weakened from battle

Satan came in to steal their lives

Don't let a wounded soldier die

I can't stop thinking about a story I recently read, about a woman who met the man of her dreams at Bible school. He courted her oh-so-tenderly but changed right after the wedding. It wasn't too long before hitting her became a common occurrence, even when she was pregnant with their child. She fled with her son when he was three months old, finally realizing that the cycle of violence wasn't going to end.

Unfortunately, many members of her church condemned her for leaving her husband, for "breaking" her vows. And stood with her husband instead. She was offered very little help and support but found a way to slowly rebuild her life. A year later, she is working at a great job that God provided for her, able to shelter and support her son, thankful for a new life, for hope, for healing. She is a part of a new church that has welcomed her with open arms, one that encourages her to share her story to reach out to others in similar situations.

Why, oh why, oh why are we so quick to judge? To condemn? To distance ourselves from the uncomfortable, the messy, to push away from what is not ideal in our limited vision? Like the Pharisees ready to stone the woman caught in the act of adultery, we often respond harshly before understanding the whole of a situation.

I've always wanted to attend a church where a prostitute could walk in and be treated like a lady. And I was privileged to be a part of one like that in Georgia. In fact, they had a ministry to strippers, with practical outreaches to the ladies to assist them where they were at and to help them when they wanted a change. One of my friends who lead that ministry was a former stripper - she has the biggest, boldest, most compassionate heart for Jesus of anyone I've ever met. It took a lot of time, patience, kindness, and people willing to get involved to get her cleaned up, off drugs, established in the Bible and in her new life. My husband had the honor of videotaping her for an international television program, and the response to her testimony was tremendous. Here's her story if you'd like to see it.

Y'know, Jesus was kind. He was straight-forward yet gentle with the messy people He encountered. He was only severe with the religious leaders who oppressed others with their rules and judgment. They weren't an accurate representation of God's huge love and grace. Like the story of the Good Samaritan...

Come let us pour the oil

Come let us bind their hurt

Let's cover them with a blanket of His love

Come let us break the bread

Come let us give them rest

Let's minister healing to them

Don't let another wounded soldier die

I'm Hosting A Giveaway Over At The House...

2010-09-01T17:24:00.002-06:00

Happy ~~Autumn~~, I mean the 1st day of September!

I'm hosting my first ever Giveaway over at my creative blog, The House of Beauty & Culture. So, go check it out for a chance to win a cutie white ceramic pumpkin!

Boxing With Elmo Feet

2010-08-30T01:22:00.003-06:00

My precocious 2 year old loves to play with "Elmo Feet" (otherwise known as my Christmas potholders.) This evening, he decided they were boxing gloves and duked it out with an unseen foe.

A tough fight, but our little guy is the victor!

Spreading love via "Elmo Feet."

My three cutie pies.
What a joy and privilege to be Mama to them!

Caution: Uneven Pavement...

2010-08-28T03:50:00.010-06:00

I promise you and myself that the subject of this blog won't always be tragedy and sorrow. But I've strived to be honest with my voice, both in my life and with this blog. Pain invades our lives and tries to remain a stubborn presence in this fallen world. Sorrow can be a suffocating blanket. Even when the dark clouds roll in, temporarily obscuring the Son, I am trying to keep my eyes fixed on Him. He alone is steadfast and true. Dependable, with arms reaching out. Thank You, Jesus.

When I lost my mom a month and a half ago, I also lost my family. Then again, maybe I never really had them. To lose.

I thought I was a part, even tried desperately for years to squeeze myself into the frame of belonging. If I worked hard enough, supported and encouraged and tried to fix things, then maybe...I'd fit in. That was my refrain growing up. Then, a fierce independence set in. I won't need. I'll figure it out on my own and find my place in this life. With Jesus' help, I soared. But even as I crossed the country and then the ocean into another land, I wondered if my absence was really felt. Even a little?

A poignant and telling photo from my adolescence shows the family sitting around an outdoor table, enjoying a picnic lunch with relatives. There's no room around the table for me, so I sit forlorn and removed. In the family system, name calling was permitted. Who cared about what a stranger would say in reaction to my childhood skin condition when there was enough ridiculing from within the system? But it gave me compassion and understanding for the misfortune of others, and I've not allowed the condition to define me. Within the system, it was permitted for me to be beaten. Until one day I was big enough and strong enough to stop the hand from grabbing my hair, slapping me, kicking me and launching me off of the front porch. And the system adapted by permitting the silent treatment, where other members of the system were forbidden to acknowledge me for long periods of time.

But with Jesus I persevered. WIth His help, I kept working at overcoming the sense of loss and rejection, trying to walk out forgiveness and grace. Even while navigating the tightrope of the system that enforced the withdrawal of support if I displeased the system. At any time. The response I received after the birth of my first child was a berating message on the answering machine...the system got itself offended because I focused on my labor vs. meeting the demands of the system. The un-communicated demands of the system. Whatever.

The system is warped. I've always known that. And many of my choices have been to remove myself from the system, while trying to maintain any healthier aspects of relationships with members of my family.

The period prior to my mom's passing was still. Quiet. We upheld and took care of one another. We even came together in a supportive, loving way the evening of the day she left us. We talked and shared our feelings and cried together. It was amazing. And so comforting. I was hopeful...

The cracks started appearing the next day and soon escalated. Even beyond grief, the behaviors reverted back to the familiarity of the system and were hideously wrong. Yelling, screaming, mean-spirited, ugly behaviors including a sibling acting as a bully, deliberately hurting me by gripping my shoulder in a painful, controlling hold and continuing while I demanded it to stop repeatedly. The other members of the system remained mute in the face of it. There can be no relationship with a blatant boundary abuser, especially one who is not repentant. No one has the right to put their hands on me.

I have not healed from the initial days of grieving my mom's passing in the night and waking up to being screamed at and talked to in demeaning ways. I found myself trembling constantly the week leading up to the memorial service, knowing that violence could erupt at any time, because it often had. And one incident had already occurred. Though an adult having stood against the system for so many years, in the mix of grief and the unexpected escalation of things, I felt small, powerless, and lost.

God was still with me in the midst of that awful time. I'll share of the numerous ways He showed Himself to me in the midst of all of this in a follow-up post. Though I wasn't able to escape the situation entirely, God does continue to speak to my heart with the promises that He turns all situations around for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

I share some of the raw details because I know I'm not the only one who has gone through these kinds of experiences. After years of hiding behind a "put together" mask, the loss of my mom together with the ugly events that occurred have left me a little fragile, a little vulnerable, unable to continue with the previous status quo of appearing pulled together and oh-so-very competent. I'm not and I can't be right now. And I'm okay with that. I am at a more honest and messier place. It's a part of my story. One that I want Jesus to use to reach others and one that He will be glorified in.

Music That Comforts

2010-08-27T16:49:00.118-06:00

I haven't written because...well, I have been crying so much. Waking up in the middle of the night by sorrow and pain and such an overwhelming loss. And even in the daylight, the ache continues. I've tried to express it, but I can't. At the slightest whisper of the wind, tears rain down.

I loaded my Ipod today with songs that have helped bring comfort. A friend sent me a link to the Matthew West song recently. I saw Mark Schultz perform "When You Come Home" a few years ago and sobbed back then - how much more the song affects me now. My Mama is Home now, at peace and perfect. I just miss having My Mama. We had so many challenging times, but there was a language that I shared with her, an understanding and knowing. We actually spoke Japanese together...who will I speak with now? It's just not the same. I still need her. I still want her. So much.

Matthew West "Save A Place"

Don't be mad if I cry

It just hurts so bad sometimes

'Cause everyday it's sinking in

And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world

Off your shoulders now

I'm dreaming of the day

When I'm finally there with you

I have asked the question why

But I guess the answer's for another time

So instead I'll pray with every tear

And be thankful for the time I had you here

Save a place for me

Save some grace for me

I'll be there soon

Mark Schultz "When You Come Home"

I don't think she can hear you the doctor told me

Your mother is fading, it's best that you leave

So I whispered, "I love you" and then turned away

But I stopped at the door when I heard Momma say,

"I love you, son, but they're calling me away.

Promise me before I go...

When you come home, no matter how far

Run through the door and into my arms

It's where you are loved,

It's where you belong

And I will be here when you come home."

Natalie Grant "Held"

We're asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

Buggin' Out

2010-08-24T11:17:00.003-06:00

Having a daughter who enjoys experimenting with various fashions and puts up with my whimsical creations is a delight! I've made many types of floral headbands and barrettes for her but was bored with the same-old, same-old.

Then I saw them. Bugs at the Dollar Store. And a new idea was born.

She wore the bumble bee with a yellow gingham dress, and it was darling! And I adore the cheery green of the grasshopper.

Many of the floral accessories were featured here previously, except these two...

Little girls are precious, aren't they? And truly a gift!

Baby-No-More

2010-08-20T11:48:00.001-06:00

A sentimental bug has bitten me this morning.

Watching my youngest baby-no-more,

exerting his independence,

so curious and determined to try everything.

"I do it! I do it!"

His constant refrain.

Bundled up after a recent outing to the reservoir,

he said, "Mama, I so cozy!"

And he likes to pat my head and tell me,

"I like your hair."

It seems like just yesterday...

Photography as Art

2010-08-18T12:23:00.003-06:00

As a visually oriented person, I often form images in my idea to grasp concepts or ideas. It must be in my blood, as many of my relatives are artists. One of my favorite memories as a child was watching my American grandmother paint a landscape, and then she let me dab on little flowers - what bliss to be a part of creating a masterpiece!

Years later, my grandmother gave each of her grandchildren a small inheritance when she passed. I prayed about what I ought to do with it...the letter that came with the check was clear that we were not to use the money to pay bills! I wanted to carry on my grandmother's legacy in some way. Then it came to me: as a young mother, I didn't have the time or space to continue drawing portraits or paint, but I could invest in a camera and express my artistic passion as a photographer.

As I peered through the camera lens, God's purpose became clearer. My motivation and desire in taking portraits is to capture the amazing essence of each individual. To take authentic photographs filled with emotion and a tangible sense of the relationships between people. The privilege of stepping behind the lens is in getting a tiny glimpse of God's perspective and love for His creation. He truly made all of us unique and wonderful!

As much as I enjoy taking portraits, it's important to always grow as a photographer. And I want to continue pushing the artistic envelope, to reveal more of God's heart and His breathtaking handiwork, to draw out more from the subjects I photograph. More, more, more!

It's definitely a work in progress, and I am nowhere close to what I can see so clearly in my heart. But I'm slowly getting better and better.

Here are some of my favorites photographs:

Lastly, this is a photograph of my mother from last Christmas that was transformed into an "oil painting."

The Creator of the Universe, who painted the world with such a vast palette of color and sculpted the earth with so many textures and diverse materials, is amazing and wonderful. And He created each one of us, specifically and with purpose. Beautiful.

Weekend at the Reservoir

2010-08-16T13:18:00.001-06:00

The weather has started cooling off here in Colorado faster than I'd anticipated - autumn is seriously right around the corner! Determined to squeeze out every last bit of summer before school started, we spent the weekend at the reservoir close to our home.

Since the water is always cold, we stay until the kids start shivering but before they turn blue. Our funny routine includes putting on fleece tops and bottoms after toweling off and blasting the heat on the drive home. After the kids take a hot shower, they finish off the warming process with a nice cup of tea.

The water is quite shallow, and the children have a wonderful time. The reservoir has camping sites as well as places to grill and picnic. It's a local treasure, for sure!

Ouch.

2010-08-13T04:37:00.000-06:00

Someone asked me recently if I'd had any dreams about my mother. An interesting question. At the time, I hadn't had any.

Then a few came, peaceful dreams that left a small smile on my face. In one, my mother and I were in the kitchen preparing food to serve to a guest. It was so normal and real and actually comforted me.

This afternoon, I had a dream that woke me up, gasping to breathe. I felt an excruciating pain in my chest from grief and sorrow and sadness. I hurt so badly. I rolled to my side and breathed slowly until it lifted a bit. When I finally stood up, I thought I was going to fall over. But things settled down, emotions tucked back in, and I functioned well enough the rest of the evening.

The funny thing is, I can't even remember the details of the dream. I know that in it, I had to face my mother's passing as if it had just happened. Maybe all of the raw emotions still lurking underneath the surface are making their way out.

There are moments when I feel a punch in the gut from the realization that my mother is really gone. It happens suddenly.

I broke down sobbing in a department store because I was being rushed while shopping by other family members. That's one thing my mother never did - when she took me shopping (which she used to do often), she was very thorough in making sure we looked at everything we wanted to look at. She never rushed me.

Driving by a hospital the other day, I couldn't look at the building. Too many sad memories of visiting her in the hospital multiple times a day.

The item that I brought back from my parents' home that made me cry harder than anything else was my mother's fabric covered canister that held her loose tea. We used to sit and chat while sipping Japanese green tea. I have it tucked away until I'm ready to bring it back out and to allow the memories to flow.

I've taken a lot of heat over the years from my family for being the expressive one. They've often spoken of it in derogatory ways. But I know that God gave me a voice and the ability to speak up for a special purpose. And it never meant more to me than in the final hour before my mother passed. When everyone else was silent and still, I was able to tell her I loved her and kiss her and lean in really close to catch her last breath. I'll forever treasure those moments I spent with her. God's presence with us was so strong and tangible. And He's here with me now, throughout this time of mourning and processing and letting go. I think that's what always strikes me as being so amazing about God - His gentle and strong presence in the midst of difficult times. He really is an ever-present help in times of trouble and need. He's ever-present in our lives period. He's here.

Ice Cream Therapy

2010-08-12T14:45:00.001-06:00

Tonight the kids and I are going to our local library for a "Back To School Old-Fashioned Ice Cream Social." Doesn't it sound fun?

For me, it's therapy. Ice cream, books, hanging out with the kids and watching them have a blast...it's the simple things that make life wonderful.

Though I have everything together for the school year, I am waiting until September 6th to start. The kids and I still have some summer lingering still to do, a few more swimming outings and lazy mornings before "the schedule" kicks in.

I'm thinking about welcoming the new school year with a "Tea at the Park," since it is our tradition to celebrate holidays and special occasions with homemade scones, lemon curd and tea. We are blessed to be surrounded by numerous parks, and it'd be lovely to celebrate with new friends.

Ice cream socials. Tea parties. And an upcoming start to a Book Club. Social events like these are helping me to get out and experience life at a time when I'd rather curl up in bed and sleep too much. Some days, it's sheer willpower that gets me going, but on other days, that alone isn't enough. Strong coffee helps. Praying really helps. And so does recognizing that this is a normal part of grieving and that it won't be like this forever.

Thank you for hanging in there with me! I appreciate the many encouraging, loving words and prayers for me and my family. Along with several creative projects s-l-o-w-l-y taking shape, I am looking forward to sharing more about our upcoming homeschooling year, photography, Colorado outings and adventure as well as writing from my heart and testifying to the loving faithfulness of God through every season of life. Blessings, friends!

Abandoned...But Not Really

2010-08-06T23:33:00.002-06:00

Seeing abandoned or neglected houses has always made me sad. I imagine the many lives nestled within over the years, all the secrets that the walls have harbored, the happy memories and tragic moments.

My favorite season is Autumn. The crisp weather, the brilliant splashes of color before the trees become bare. A time for introspection. Growth within, for emergence in Spring.

Autumn comes a bit early this year for my soul. Grief has helped usher in a quieter, more reflective time in my life. Besides saying goodbye to my mother, I find myself needing to bid adieu. To many of the Patterns and Systems of Before that Have Been in Place For Too Long.

In the garden of my life, growth continues. Beautiful flowers still bloom. A few trees, including one I thought was an evergreen, have Withdrawn. And have started to wither.

As a Photographer, my perspective on the withering trees is to minimize their impact on the landscape of my life. Not to delete them completely, but no longer will I photoshop/blur/make pretty their ugly impact.

What my imagination allows me to see in the picture above is a boat. A simple wooden rowboat with my Savior at the helm. Gently He bids me to come, and He takes me from that precarious place.

From My Mother...

2010-08-05T11:56:00.001-06:00

One of my favorite pictures of my mother.

Pondering the very different relationships each of us kids had with her.

When I was ten, I was fascinated by two pairs of my mother's shoes.

Pointy-toed high heels made out of snakeskin.

I loved parading around the hallway, lost on an imaginary runway.

So stylish and cool.

My mother and I shared a love of fashion.

She gave me all of her custom made outfits from the late 60s and 70s,

like the suit in the picture above.

She also taught me about jewelry,

the qualities of various stones and the importance of real gold.

When I got ears my pierced, she bought me 18K gold earrings.

And she let me wear her star-sapphire earrings to school sometimes.

Birthday gifts usually included a beautiful new piece of jewelry,

a ring with my birthstone, necklaces, brooches.

A gorgeous watch.

My favorite photo of my mother and me.

Other things my mother bestowed to me...

A love of big hair and big sunglasses.

An admiration of Sophia Loren.

(we swore we'd follow her glamizon example into old age),

Her dramatic flair - she was a professional dancer,

studying traditional dance from the age of three.

(I've had my time on stage and have been in a few films and commercials.)
Black liquid eyeliner skills.
(when I was 16 and officially allowed to wear make-up,
she gave me a kit and taught me how to properly apply everything.
She used to give me a new make-up kit every Christmas.)

Ability to Organize and Schedule.

Creativity.

A strong voice and sensitive heart.

Compassion for those less fortunate.

Did I mention a short temper???

(Smile.)

Saying Goodbye...

2010-08-01T22:09:00.001-06:00

On July 16th, my mother went home to be with the Lord. I was grateful to have been able to be with my family and to visit her for the two weeks prior to her passing. Though she was pretty much in a coma during that time, she did open her eyes and squeeze my hands tightly one morning. That was the most movement she showed.

We had a Memorial Service for her a week later on July 23rd. Though I'd like to share more about that at a later time, this is where I said my goodbyes to my mother.

One of my favorite memories is the afternoon I spent with my mother and my children here by the Lafayette River. We sat under the shade of trees with a Japanese picnic lunch, enjoying the lovely view and cool breezes. We must have been there for several hours. It was a perfect day.

My Mom Is In Heaven

2010-08-01T21:46:00.001-06:00

Two days after my last post, my mother went home to be with the Lord. Her Memorial Service was held a week after she passed on Friday, July 23rd. After three weeks away from my own family, I returned home this week.

Being back home brings...Relief. Comfort. Space to process and grieve.

We had a Memorial Service by a river with the children, ending with us placing origami boats into the water. I wanted them to have a moment and a memory of saying goodbye to their Oba-chan (Japanese for grandmother.)

Grieving is an individual process - you never know how someone will deal with loss. I was surprised at my reactions as well as those of my family members. It's going to take time to work through it all.

God was there with me, providing many miracles that helped me endure some of the more difficult moments. His Word provided so much comfort. One of the most poignant miracles for me, a gift from God, was when my mother opened her eyes and squeezed my hands tightly. She was pretty much in a coma for the two weeks prior to passing, and this was the most movement she had during that time. I believe that she knew I was there with her and that she was in peace.

A Simple Prayer

2010-07-14T06:39:00.001-06:00

I am still out of town, visiting with my family as we wait and visit my mom in the ICU. She's very ill, and all we can do is pray for her, hold her hand and encourage her to open her eyes.

Waking up in the mornings to face yet another day has become heavy. And so has the walk into the hospital from the parking lot. Stepping out of the car, it feels like I have ankle weights on as I shuffle down the walkway, hardly seeing the trees lining it, and into the front door. The senior greeters at the front desk recognize members of our family now and follow us with compassionate eyes. Straight down the hallway, the ICU waiting room is on the right. Around the bend, you hit the plate on the wall to open the door. Wave your hand in front of a sensor to open another door, sanitize your hands, don a gown and mask and behold your loved one sleeping. Only they don't flip open their eyes and greet you. They remain still even as you caress their hands and run your hands over their hair gently. The nurses here are consistently competent and kind. With numerous hospitalizations in the last six months, my mom has endured some very ill-tempered, neglectful nurses that responded with a harsh, "What do you want???" when she pressed the call button for assistance. In her weakened state, she needed assistance to undo the many sensors and probes attached to her body and walk to the restroom. Making her wait or repeat the call time and time again was cruel.

I realize that they don't know her. They don't know that she has a very lively sense of humor and a quick wit. That she studied dance from the age of three in Japan and used to perform on grand stages. They don't know about the numerous challenges she has had to overcome in her life, that her own family is thousands of miles away in another country, that English is not her native tongue, and that the cafetaria never prepares food that tastes good to her. The menu is sadly lacking in anything remotely Japanese...

This still, slumbering woman on the bed does resemble my mom. Her face seems peaceful most of the time. And I pray that it is so, that her mind and her soul are resting. That her slumber is sweet. But I also hope for a moment, to look into her eyes and see peace. To understand where she is at. For my father to have this moment.

Last night, all I could say was, "God, my mom is sick. And I feel really sad." I know God heard me and understood me. I know He is with her. And that means the most. I love You, Lord.

Sorry I've Been Absent...

2010-07-08T06:27:00.000-06:00

I cannot believe that it's been a month since I last posted! Practically a lifetime ago. It is summer, and we've been busy swimming and exploring and playing...and going on our first ever hard-core family camping trip ('cause camping in Colorado takes camping to new heights, literally.)

Within hours of receiving a call from my sister that my mom was back in the hospital, I was at the airport and took the red eye flight back home to be with my family. It has been very emotional. And difficult. And I would like to see her open her eyes.

The Lord has been so comforting and gracious. Every day, I have been looking for the Scripture to hold onto, and He has been so very sweet in His Words to me.

I'm off to get ready for another visit to the ICU but first will take a peek at what He has for me today.

Through The Eyes Of A Two Year Old

2010-06-08T14:18:00.002-06:00

What do these look like to you?

If you said Teddy Bears and Linking Cubes aka Math Manipulatives,

you'd be correct.

But in the hands of my precocious two year old,

facing the rigors of potty training,

these are teddy bears on potty chairs.

Lots and lots
of teddy bears on potty chairs.

He sits for long periods and makes
tall columns of teddy bears on potty chairs.

And choo choo trains of teddy bears on potty chairs.

When asked if these teddy bears are successful in going potty,

the answer is always a resounding YES!!!

Which big brother thinks is adorably funny.

I look forward to the day when little brother is as successful as his teddy bears.

In due season.

Mom Monday: While I was in Labor...

2010-06-07T09:38:00.000-06:00

What did your husband do when you were in labor? Help you through your breathing, hold your hand and support you, bring you a latte, go shoe shopping?

By the grace of God, I had all three of my children naturally. My husband tried his best and was as sympathetic and helpful as a good-intentioned-but-never-having-experienced-an-actual-contraction-and-pushing-out-a-baby man can be. The experience that stands out in my mind took place while I was in labor with my third baby.

We had moved to a new city when I was 8 months along, but I was blessed to connect with an amazing midwife in our new city, who had been serving mothers for over 30 years and was a local legend. At the hospital, I tried various laboring positions but mainly walked the halls with my doula, who was a nursing student. We were engrossed in the most amazing conversation about our experiences in Africa, pausing so that I could breathe and work through the increasingly stronger contractions.

My husband remained in the hospital room with my midwife. Periodically, I went into the hospital room to go to the bathroom. I saw my husband and midwife sitting together and chatting, but I didn't pay much attention (being otherwise occupied!) until I came into the room to see my midwife sobbing. I looked at my husband like "What did you do?!? What's going on???" He sent me a look that conveyed that everything was okay. So I continued my hallway pacing until the contractions became overwhelming, and I insisted on getting into the labor tub.

Soon after, I delivered my baby boy into my own hands while squatting in the tub (an amazing "I am woman, hear me roar" moment!) My husband, who had missed videotaping most of the labor and delivery except for the last moments (because he was busy making my midwife cry?!?), was astounded at the state of the bathroom after the delivery and after the water from the tub had been drained. He exclaimed that it looked like a scene out of a horror movie and carefully videotaped the entire room. Men!

Once the baby and I were situated, I demanded to know why the midwife had been crying. Apparently, they had talked for a long time on various topics during the hours of my labor. My midwife shared about her wonderful childhood, her years of helping women, and her plans as she neared the time when she'd turn over her practice to others. She loved riding her horses and the peacefulness of the countryside. And as they talked about family and parents, she broke down crying because she had lost both of hers in recent years. At times like that, my husband can be very comforting. So while I was out pacing the hallways, working through the labor pangs, my husband and midwife were sitting together in the hospital room, deeply bonding. In thinking about this experience, I remembered that he had bonded with the previous doctor who had delivered my first two babies (though he hadn't cried.) As a matter of fact, I remember the two of them admiring the baby as I started feeling dizzy and was on the verge of passing out until a nurse noticed me. Though I do agree that my babies were irresistibly cute, I was like, "Hello?!? Some attention over here, please!!!" Harumph. Maybe next time (if there IS a next time), I'll let my husband experience some of the joys of ob/gyn visit, and he won't be so quick to bond with the doctor. Just kidding!

Playing In The River

2010-06-01T15:02:00.000-06:00

A Day At The River

2010-06-01T03:22:00.001-06:00

A Letter To Self, Liberation

2010-05-30T01:22:00.000-06:00

A letter that I read in a book spoke my heart exactly.

Dear Little (Self),

You were a beautiful child, an innocent. You were pure love. I'm going to take care of you from now on. You were talented and creative. I'm going to express you. You're safe now. You can love and you can let love in. You won't be hurt. You can discern now. I'll take care of us. I'll pull us together. We were always apart, playing different roles, learning to cope. You're not crazy. You were afraid. They can't hurt you anymore. I've stopped...concealing your anger, your rage, your sadness, your depression, your guilt, and your anxiety. You can let go of those feelings now. I've stopped punishing us, like they did. I've surrendered to God. We are worthwhile. I am worthwhile. The world we made up is over now. We are waking up. It still hurts, but not as much. And it's finally real.

Part of the "waking up" is admitting to myself that it really was bad. And it hurt terribly. For a very long time. No more brushing it off or minimizing the reality of all that's happened. Coming to terms with it is a huge part of moving on beyond it to true healing.

I feel liberation seeping into the crevices of my soul. Long dormant dreams are rising to the surface. The belief that I can do it radiates within me. Hope and peace have wrapped their arms around me.

I'll be spending Memorial Day up in the mountains with my family and with my camera. There's some praying I want to do up there, a final release of all these things. I'm also seeking new direction for my photography career and artistic inspiration. One of my dreams is having a gallery showing of my photography. It's time to start rebuilding my portfolio along with my life! The pouring out of all that the Artist of my soul has poured into me.

Creativity as Therapy

2010-05-27T13:56:00.002-06:00

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.
Inside-Out,
I am healing.

From the worse case of acne I've ever experienced (seriously?!?)
to an aching heart and rawness within,
it. has. been. a process.

The cost of therapy?
A tube of blemish zapper.
A bag of glue sticks.
Fabric remnants.
Twine.
A little this and that.

Creativity as therapy...
40 Fabric Rosettes
16 Decorated Headbands and Hair clips
Glammed Up Dollar Store Purses
Eiffel Tower Art for my daughter's room
Decorated Lampshade
Topiary
Wire Cage Candlescape
(I'll be snapping a lot of pictures and featuring these
on my creativity blog, The House of Beauty and Culture.)

Plus I have been reading a variety of books - mysteries, biographies, self-help and inspirational.
And I kicked off eating healthier (more raw foods) by doing a cleansing fast.
Purging and cleansing.
Feeding and creating.
Therapy.

A Stop Sign In My Winter

2010-05-26T15:20:00.001-06:00

This photograph illustrates this post exactly. I have put up a stop sign in the middle of my winter that contrasts greatly against the seemingly neutral snow.

Seemingly neutral. Because the absence of color, like the absence of warmth, is not a passive state. The removal of color and warmth can be a deliberate act. Or a sign of apathy. Both a strong stance, not a weak one.

Back to the stop sign.

I have always been a front door kind of person. Black and white. Literal. Straight to the point. Not one to hem and haw. Even as a child, I didn't understand roundabout talk. I have a low tolerance for superfluous words that don't mean anything or say anything. A serious waste of time and breath. Be clear.

So, come to the front door with me. Don't come around the side and certainly not around the back. Ugh. I remember a motherly-type woman approaching me one day at lunch when I was in Bible School. The Christmas banquet was approaching, and she asked me if I had a date. I didn't. She then told me that a few fellows had expressed an interest in asking me out but were afraid to. Afraid??? So if I did go out with one of them, would they be afraid to talk to me? Get to know me? Would I have to keep the conversation going the entire evening and babysit them, essentially, because they were so afraid of me?Am I any different from any other girl in the school that they should be so afraid of me? WHAT?!? I told this lady that if these guys were too afraid to talk to me/ask me out themselves, then I wasn't interested.

The stop sign.

I am on the verge of withdrawing my participation with Facebook because I find it disturbing to receive updates on my mother's health via general postings on the site. It would be a kindness to me if this was either communicated to me directly or not at all. The familiar winter of being exiled from the family circle has been a regular occurrence in my life over the last 25 + years. There are two that are deemed acceptable, and I. am. not. According to the family system, (which is not my operating system.) Everyone else has gotten used to it and functions well enough in it. But I don't. I won't. I don't think it's okay.

There's the one who calls the shots, who withdraws communication/warmth/any type of acknowledgment. Then there's the other parent who decides to go along with it - engaged in warm dialogue one moment, then adopting the perspective of the shot caller. Immediate withdrawal and condemnation. The "good" children benefit with more positive attention and kindness, since it is now split among two versus the three. They may still acknowledge the exiled one but follow the set rules.

I understood the rules of this system when I was a child, even though I didn't agree with it then or now. Enter the Stop Sign. To those within the system that still go along with it for whatever reason: I know it is what you know. It may be comfortable (for you - you've spent a lot less time on the outside, alone.) There's a lot of heat to take for disrupting that system in any way. I get it. But I don't understand how you can go along with it and try to grow in relationship with me. The system demands an allegiance that is contrary to a healthy, thriving relationship. You may be able to maintain a certain peace while in the system, but is it okay if that same system is damaging-condemning-unhealthy-and-unkind?

And when you were the banished one. condemned. barred from entry into the family system, for whatever crime or infraction, real or imagined. I. stood. with. you. I objected to the imbalanced, partial, and unjust sentencing and stood with you. I took an active stance of objecting to the system, as a child and as an adult.

You may not be able to give me that same support, but I do give it to myself now. Hence, the Stop Sign in the midst of my winter.

This isn't my indirect way of trying to let you know where I'm coming from - it's already been communicated directly. This is me processing for myself, acknowledging for myself the changes I've made. I've participated in the system by not protecting myself and not fully embracing the possibilities of winter. Snow angels. Sledding. Too often I sat and waited and hoped longingly to be included into the "warmth" of the system. It wasn't to be for me. And I have discovered that there are for me other sources of that warmth, starting with the Love of the Heavenly Father and His Family. And I guard that warmth in my own heart with the Stop Sign.

I know this processing out loud can be yucky to read. Uncomfortable. Unpleasant. Even Tiresome. Part of putting up the Stop Sign is me speaking out. This is my journey.

I Saw Jesus...Please Read

2010-05-25T11:11:00.004-06:00

The following post is from my friend Mark's blog, Dead Man's Travelog. I thought what he wrote was so important that I wanted to post it here on my blog and ask you, my readers, to please pray. And please consider a response. Many of us may not be in the St. Louis area (I'm not either), but we can still reach out in some way. I know there are a lot of needs out there. And we can't do everything. But we can do something. We are called, as the Body of Christ, to be His mouth to speak the truth of His great love, His arms to embrace others, listening ears, compassionate eyes... Here's Mark:

Especially in a world of with Facebook and Twitter, it seems that Matthew 6:1-4 has been all but completely thrown to the wind. You know, it's the verse that says we shouldn't do good deeds to be seen by others, and that we should actually try to "not let the left hand know what the right is doing." There are things my wife and I have done (and regularly do) that nobody knows about except the recipient(s), and we like it that way. However, there are times when it is right to say something, and this is one of those exceptions. You'll see why soon.

Further in Matthew, chapter 25, we read that Jesus says, "In as much as you do it to the least of these, you do it to me." I met 'Jesus' today and he was in bad shape. My heart is very heavy because I don't know what the next move could/should be.

At 12:30 this afternoon I was heading home on Hwy 70 after playing golf for five hours. Someone paid my way to take part in a scramble and I joined for the fellowship.

As I was replaying the worst golf strokes in my mind I drove past a woman hitchhiking. It's not often you see a hitchhiker anymore, much less a woman. I immediately started praying protection over her so that wrong person would not pick her up. Then I heard the Holy Spirit say, "You pick her up." I used to do that all the time when I was single, but being married and a father, I want to use wisdom. I checked to make sure my spirit bore witness and yes, it was 100%. I turned around, headed back the other way, and then retraced my path to hopefully find her.

When I pulled up behind the woman I could see something was wrong with her legs. She wasn't just bowlegged, she was hobbling. I checked traffic, pulled out and then moved to where I was in front of her. She excited hobbled up as I reached over and opened the passenger door. She got in, tears in her eyes, and kept repeating, "Thank you, thank you, thank you." We finally got to introductions and I learned her name was Cathy. She immediately started telling me about how she gives to others without expecting anything in return. She apparently opens her little apartment to neighborhood kids and feeds them to the point that she has virtually nothing left for herself. She also takes in animals that shelters are going to put to sleep and feeds them at her own expense. She kept saying, "You're it! You're the way it's coming back to me." I told her I am happy to do it, glad I could help, and that I expect nothing in return. I then asked her about her legs and ended up finding out much more. Here's a quick summary:

1) Starting at 12 years old, she was raped on a regular basis by her real dad.
2) Her mom remarried and her step-dad was an alcoholic who beat her for years.
3) She is 54 and has two sons, 30 and 20. The 30 yr old is in jail.
4) Her husband committed suicide by hanging himself.
5) She ran an escort service in the 80's.
6) In her early 20's she was hit by a drunk driver. Both her legs were crushed and her pelvis shattered.
7) She is very poor and, although she didn't come right out and say this, I think she turns tricks to pay for her apartment and food.

She told me that she has several pins in her legs, but due to repeated falling, they have worked their way out and some have even pierced the skin. She showed me her lower leg and knee. Trust me, she's not lying. Her leg looks like it has been piecemealed together. She said she had walked four miles before I picked her up and had fallen twice. That was hard enough to hear. She then said, "I don't have a car so I have to get rides. 99.9 percent of the guys that pick me up give me $30 in exchange for a bl**j*b." I was taken back by how blunt she was but counteracted quickly, "Well first of all, as a male, I'm embarrassed and saddened that there are people out there who treat you like that." She began to weep and exclaimed how degrading it was. I then told her that not only am I going to give her (amount) dollars, I don't want anything, nothing whatsoever, in return. Several times during the trip she broke down and sobbed. I spoke to her of God's compassion, unconditional love, and how much value she has in His eyes and mine. She gave me her number and insisted that I call her and let her pay me back after she gets her disability check in a couple weeks, but I told her I meant what I said about not wanting anything in return. I offered to drive her all the way to her door, but she wanted to be dropped off at QT. She apparently was going to call someone to take her grocery shopping. I offered to take her, but she was adamant that it would take too long. She let me pray for her, hugged me, and then hobbled over to the pay phone. I left and went home, but she has not left my thoughts.

I know I've posted the Keith Green song "Asleep in the Light" on this blog before, but I have to post a couple lines from it again.

'Cause He brings people to you door
And you turn them away
As you smile and say
"God bless you, be at peace"
And all heaven just weeps
'Cause Jesus came to your door
You've left him out on the streets

I can't help but think...Yes, I picked 'Jesus' up, but then I dropped him off at QT (I know that might sound funny, but I'm being completely serious). Could I have done more? Should I have done more? So, I have a thought. I'm looking for several people who would like to celebrate this woman's worth with me and my wife. I would like to arrange to pick her up (probably at QT), but I think it would be awesome if a small group took her out to eat as a way of telling her she's valuable. That would actually serve two purposes: First, she would know that people care about her and want to help. Secondly, those of you who went would see the kind of heart she has, as well as her leg situation. You'll see that nothing at all was embellished. To be perfectly honest, I am not sure how to best help, but this would be a start. As a group we could pray and brainstorm about what to do further.

If you have read this far, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. I'm hoping I have some friends who will take me up on this. Please email me via Facebook or the email address in my blog profile if you want to be a part of it. Thank you! Mark